So I Broke My Neck

Screws

I always knew that they would have to fix my head into place somehow, and a cast wasn't an option because it was at an awkward location.

Soft collar? Brace? I was hoping for some things like that. 

So, when they told me they were going to use a halo brace which would require four pins being screwed into my skull, I got scared.

Actually I had seen those before. 

When I was 16, I shadowed doctors in Thailand. We went to an orthopedic ward and saw all sorts of metal stuff that is used to fix people's bones. The doctor showed us a little boy whose arm was broken because he fell asleep whilst on his dad's motorcycle and his scarf pulled him under (I remember that story so clearly) and needed pins and traction to fix it, and another person with that thing fastened to their skull.

At that time I was a bit faint. I told the organizer "Hey... I'm a bit dizzy, I will go sit a bit.," because it looked scary. It was the type of feeling of being suffocated. Even though I was taking deep breaths through my nose none of the oxygen went to my brain, that kind of thing. It was the same feeling as the time I smelled searing flesh in a surgical theater.

Naturally, 3 years later when I was the one getting pins screwed into my bones... I cried like a baby. 

Really, I would have been fine with surgery. Not only would you be knocked out (I've never been high from anesthesia, it sounds fun lol) and surely the scar would look cooler. (Of course teenage girls have priorities). But for convenience, safety and cost purposes, external fixation was used in the end.

Even though I am always the one to cry in school vaccination programs, the pain was pretty low ranked on my concerns. I remember at that time I was pissed because they had to cut open my shirt and shave my hair.

... As I said, I have priorities.

The reason I'm fucking pissed they had to shave my hair is because it was totally unnecessary and wasn't standard protocol. Hell I haven't heard of anyone shaving their head for a halo brace. The nurses always try to act in your best interest but you can see on their smug faces it's just for convenience and possibly sadism. 

"It's because we need to clean the area where the pins go."

Then just shave that part.

"It'll look ugly if you only shave parts of it."

Don't make decision for me about what's ugly and what's not. My mom thought bowl haircut was nice and now I want to kill my childhood self for that embarrassment. PS I also think your ass face is ugly but I'm not telling you to wear a paper bag.

"It's also difficult to wash."

No one's telling you to wash my hair. Even afterwards, I always showered by myself.

I remember asking my mum to ask the nurse to let me keep my hair and she was like 'huh? You mean like keep in a bag?' I was like no no omg annoying shits

Whatever. By then it was evident that they weren't even giving an option so that was the reason I am fucking pissed.

As for my clothes... I really liked that shirt. I specifically chose that cute shirt for boxing day. I was sad they had to cut it not because it was expensive (it's made in China) but because I didn't know if I could find a replacement. I don't accept things easily so if something is gone I will try to replace it. Long story short, the online shop stopped selling it but I managed to buy secondhand the following June, and right now I'm wearing it :D I treasure it dearly. 

Where was I? Getting pins screwed into my head, right? Actually, before that... Let me tell you, pity is a joke. 

Movies and novels always like to paint tragedy in a way that is... how do I explain it? They want to make the ugliness of the victim beautiful. Whether it's Your Lie in April or One Thousand Liters of Tears, patients are always well natured and yearning for company in their cold dark hospital bed.