Chapter one: The Thought
The things left unsaid are the days when life are perfect, the days we can relax, chill, and take all the tension off our shoulders, But most of our days are left unsaid, and we go nowhere fast, doing the same things, wanting the same secret desires, and all feeling meaningless, but somehow still powerful. My name is Italy Hatcher I am a 17-year-old girl that lives in New Jersey. I’m stuck in the body of a live- full teenager, and I have secrets that no one will ever know, I face struggles people will never see , and I have thoughts that are unimaginable. It all started in 6th grade my dad Josef was never there, all I remember of him was the permanent indent he left on the couch. I watched my mother take care of me, my sister Icyeces, and two orphaned cousins, it hurt me too watch the misery in her eyes, and see the creases in her fake Smile. I just sat there and wondered why life was so hard? Why it did not cut my poor mother a break, and why did these desperate feelings always run around me, always hunt me, and tragically always find me? I got out of my own thoughts for a second and entered back in real life. I was now sitting in my 10th grade A.P. world history class I was somewhat smart, and in many people’s eyes and popular and pretty. I had it all, so they thought, so why was I still such a mystery too myself? I did not know and probably never would. I tuned back in to class, seriously now, and took my notes over WW1. This didn’t stop the voices in my head from speaking, or the questions from rolling in, but it helped. The bell rang for 3rd block, I ecstatically got up ready to go to my locker, roam the halls, and just have a little freedom just for a second. I finished out my mundane day as I would any other, went to math, went to lunch, and then of course to practice, and finally home. My days were the same and I felt like I was missing something, constantly. I wonder did everybody go through this phase, but I ignored my dreadful thoughts for a moment and picked up my book Dreams of the world trying to escape my problems , but turned out the book just made me think of more and more questions, possibilities, and dream up more dreams that I might not ever be able to attain. My head was beginning to spin so I closed the book, and retired for the night. The next morning I felt extremely energized, but still not happy. I got up brushed my teeth , curled my hair to one side, and put on a really cute sun-dress with some heels, too show I was finished I put on some light make up and headed out of the door without any breakfast. I was excited so something big must be happening today. I was right today would be one of the biggest disappointments of my life. I got to school just as any other day and headed straight for my locker surprisingly Kyle, my boyfriend was there waiting for me. I ran up to him and hugged him like never before. He shrugged me off, I was confused, I gave him a look of dismay and then he said the words that words no girl ever wanted to hear. Liz we need to talk ….after that I tuned out, my life was already screwed up enough, and he was my one escape and now he was leaving me, I was certain of it. I tuned back in and caught his speech on the it’s not you it’s me part. I tuned back out for good this time, the voices and questions started popping in my head again they were saying he wants another girl, he lost interest , why can’t you keep a dude, is it you or them…….”Liz Liz Liz” he shouted !!! I snapped out of my little daze …”do you understand where I’m coming from?” I barely shook my head and he opened his mouth to explain his rehearsed breakup, but thankfully, the bell rang. My legs felt sluggish but I managed to be the first one too my class I just felt like the lowest of the low and too make it even worse I had almost every class with Kyle. I sat in math class staring at numbers that made no sense and listening to Kyle and the new freshmen girl laugh their lives away. It bothered me. I asked to go to the bathroom about five times throughout the day looking forward to the silence of the hallway. At the ring of the bell I did not even go to practice I hopped on the bus let my music ride and went home. When I got home I had no patience to answer questions so I just went upstairs forced myself to take a hot shower and slept off all the stress, but when I woke up I felt no better. The next couple of days went about the same way I was slowly but surely falling into a depression and nothing could help me, catch me, or save me this time. I woke up and did not even realize it was Friday I looked into my garrulous closet and decided to go with something simple. I put on some Levi’s with a Nike t-shirt and some Griffey’s, and headed out the door. I did not even care too take my hair out of the sloppy ponytail, and couldn’t even recall if I had brushed my teeth or not. When I got too school the atmosphere felt different. It felt rigid, cold, and uninviting. Yeah school was not my favorite place any more but it never felt like this. Nothing looked different all the jocks were surrounded outside having jock talk , all the geeks were on the west wing playing chess , and all the cheerleaders were talking about how their boyfriends were jerks .Then all of a sudden some asshole bumped into me and spilt his hot chocolate all over my fuchsia Nike shirt. Heat rushed too my face and then the, stranger rushed up to his feet and lended me a hand before I could push his hand a way I saw it was Jeremy a long long lost friend . ‘”Liz” he said in his baritone voice. I zoned out quickly and started having flashbacks of our first kiss, our first time, all the things that could have should have been and all the things that were left undone, unsaid, unfinished. Liz he said my name with a little bit of irritation now and I came back, I had so many questions but I decided to only ask one. “So what are you doing here?” I asked. He started explain to me how he came to live with his girlfriend because his mother and him had not been getting along. Girlfriend I was shocked, and she went to my school I could not believe it. I do not know if it was the stress the shock or the temptation at the moment, but I asked Jeremy did he want to go to lunch, he turned looked at me with a bit of relief smiled and said he would love to. Unfortunately I never got too make it too lunch, I was now sitting in the principal’s office with a bloody nose, and scratches on my face. I had just gotten into my first real catfight. I sat there starring at the wall, while my opponent was carried out on a stretcher. The officer came in and asked me what happen, I started from the very beginning. I told them how it all started on February 23, 2012 after Valentine’s day Laila Rashid was messing with Kyle behind my back, but also playing the friend role in my face, I told them about her annoying laugh when she flirted with him in my face. I told them about her smart comments I told them about all the pain I felt, not just steaming from Laila but from everything. I told them how I felt life was not worth living anymore. They took down everything I said and nodded their heads with assurance, but I knew deep down they did not understand and more importantly, they did not care. Therefore, I sat their alone. Replaying the blood, the punches, I counted them I hit her 147 times, and did not even feel bad I replayed every part the fear in everyone’s eyes, and the rage in mine. I replayed the blood on my knuckles and the unforgivable grip I had around her neck. I replayed it all while I sat there, alone.
