A Pocket Full of Posies (Book 1)

Chapter Twenty (Part 2)

I shake my head, and am about to deny the whole thing when I stop myself. This is all just going to keep replaying until I grow some balls and face it. I can feel Annabel's eyes on me, willing me to say something other than I'm fine.

I raise my shoulders. "Kind of."

"Seriously?" she asks, to which I nod. "Felix, how can an eight-year-old child even be half responsible for something like that?"

"It's a weird situation, I can't--It's hard to explain." As I speak, I can feel my heart rate increasing by the second. "Just, for argument's sake, think of it like I had a problem, and the sole reason we crashed was because of them trying to deal with that problem. That problem literally led them to their deaths."

"Was it a problem you could control?"

"Well, no, but--"

"Then it's not your fault. Even if you could control it, you were eight. It still wouldn't be your fault."

I shake my head aggressively. "Yeah, but, they--they were okay at first. It's hard to explain, it's... It only happened because they wasted their energy on me, to make sure I made it through. They shouldn't... It's hard to explain."

Carmen nods. "Okay. That was their decision. That had nothing to do with you." I go to interrupt her, but she stops me. "Look, I don't exactly know the situation, and that's okay; I don't expect you to tell me every little detail, but if what you're saying is right, then they clearly chose to save you. That's what they wanted. They wanted you to live, and they didn't care if that meant they didn't."

"Listen to her, Felix," Annabel speaks up, her voice quiet. "Please. If we'd have wanted to survive over you, we would've. I know I can't remember it, or anything before it, but whoever that version of me was chose things to happen like they did. We could've thrown you to whatever those things were and ran, but we didn't. You had no control over the situation. We did, and that's what we chose. It was our fault we died, not yours. And we were okay with that." She pauses. "I'm still okay with that."

I know what they're saying makes sense, and I know it's illogical for me to take full responsibility for what happened, but it's not easy to see it like that. Not if my abilities were the cause of the crash, not when that banished spirit stood there and told me my parents regret ever saving me. I know he was trying to get into my head, and the likelihood is that he's never met my parents in his wasted life, but what if he has? What if that's exactly what they told him?

I don't know if it's the enormity of this conversation, or the events of tonight, but I'm starting to feel exhausted.

"I know, I just... Even if that's what they wanted then, they might regret it if they were still around to be able to," I say, rather pathetically.

Carmen sighs as she manoeuvres her hands under the pile of blankets, eventually finding my hand. Hers is cold against mine. "No parent would ever regret choosing their child over themselves, Felix, and I would bet you anything that if given the option to come back, they'd do it all over again."

"I would." Annabel again. "And that's as your big sister, let alone as a parent."

I don't say anything back. I'm not sure what I would say. She hesitates slightly, but after a minute or so of silence, Carmen shuffles a little closer to me. I lift my blanket for her, and she shuffles towards me again until her body is touching mine, and her head is just under my chin. I drop the blanket but keep my arm around her, pulling her nearer again. Her hair smells a little of alcohol.

I'm really shattered now. We both lie in complete silence, but it's not the uncomfortable kind, and it's not long until I feel myself drifting. I look down at Carmen, and it occurs to me that she must actually be insane to want anything to do with me, and it makes me want to trap her in this moment before she realises she can escape at any time.