Love, Drugs and Cancer

Chapter 12: Home

The next two days sucked.

All I could think about was going home. I knew that I didn't want to do radiation therapy. All of this therapy and sickness is too hard. Even with my parents spending almost all of there time with me, I still feel strangely lonely. I'm losing what determination Cole gave to me. Now I'm just finding it hard to get through the day.

I promised my mom that I would finish the two days of chemo, which I have now done. The doctors are running tests to check for effectiveness, but it's totally useless. Even Dr. Smith admitted it. Everyone knows that the cancer is in my brain. They don't need to check. The doctors are going to tell me that the cancer is now in my brain. They're going to tell me that I need radiation therapy and I'm going to say no. 

"Well I guess we're going to figure out if the treatment worked soon, right?" My mom asked me at about 9 P.M. on the second day. 

"We already know that answer, Mom. It's just protocol at this point." I replied. 

"Have you given anymore thought to doing the radiation therapy?" 

"My mind was made up long ago, Mom. I can't do it."

"If you don't have any treatment, you're going to feel just as bad."

"For less time, though." I replied.

"I hate to see you give up like this." Mom said, rising her voice a little bit. 

"I don't really think of it as giving up. I think of it as I've given it my best shot, but now it's time for me to walk away. I want to go home. I'm tired of these white walls. I'm tired of the doctors and the nurses and the crying. I want you to bring me home to die." 

Tears now streamed down her face. She didn't say anymore. She simply nodded. I could see her heart breaking, but I can also see that she understands. She understands that in my heart, I know it's time to walk away. 

As was expected, the doctors came back with the news that the cancer is still there. They asked me if I wanted to do radiation therapy. They didn't need to ask. They knew the answer. I knew the answer. Mom knew the answer. I told them no and that I wanted to go home.

It took about an hour for everything to get situated. Dr. Smith gave Mom many different medications. Mainly just things that will make me less uncomfortable. Nothing that will fix anything. Mom had to sign me out of the hospital, fill out some paperwork, pay for some things. I had to say good-bye to Dr. Smith and Emily. My good bye to Dr. Smith was meaningful. The one with Emily was not. I still haven't really forgiven her for what she's done. Our goodbye consisted of an awkward hug and a few seconds of silence before I looked away, the cue for her to go away. 

I was so relieved when I got home. The smell, the feel of the couches, the sight of my bed, just everything made me feel so much better. I launched into my bed, having a new appreciation for my zebra print pillows. Mom brought me up a glass of water and I drifted off to sleep.

When I woke up, I felt good. I didn't have the usual chemo symptoms. I knew that this was just a temporary stage where the cancer isn't doing much and I'm not on chemo. At any time, the cancer without the chemo is going to kick in. I'm going to get really sick. At that point, I probably have about two weeks of life left. I think I'm going to enjoy my health while I can.

I ran downstairs and for the first time in three weeks, had junk food. They suggest you don't eat junk food when you're in chemo, but I'm not in chemo. So I scarfed down cookies, chips and soda. The combination of the three was kinda gross afterwards, but I enjoyed the eating process. 

Then I watched TV. On a big screen. It was great. The quality of the picture wasn't fuzzy and the screen was bigger than your average laptop screen. Two things that I haven't had in the hospital.