Love, Drugs and Cancer

Chapter 11: Almost Done

There's two more days before I find out if the chemo worked.

I don't think it is working. I've been having those head aches that just won't stop. I had a feeling that the chemo wasn't going to work the first time. It didn't. I'm not sure what makes them think that it's going to work this time around. Actually, they probably don't think that it's going to work this time around. Maybe they're just hoping and praying that it will. 

Last night, I found out that Cole could donate bone marrow to me. That I could live. But because of his drug addiction, he can't. He's not healthy enough. Afterwards, all I wanted to do was find him and hug him. 

As my thoughts wandered about everything, my eyes fell upon my cell phone. It's probably been about two weeks since I've touched it. I've had no use of it ever since Cole figured out that I have cancer, so he was just here all of the time. I didn't need to text him anymore.

Without thinking, I reached for the phone and dialed Cole's number. After the second ring, I started to wonder if this was a good idea. I thought that maybe if he answered, I would lose all of my nerve and just hang up. But he didn't answer.

"Cole," I said after the beep. I hadn't thought about what I was going to say. But after a second, I didn't need to think, because words with Cole were always words said naturally. "I miss you so much. I know that you were at the hospital. I saw you walking out. I went and found out why you were here. I'm so honored that you got tested. I'm sorry for you and for me that you were deemed unhealthy.

"I think that you saw me when you were across the street from the hospital. You know, after you got tested? You looked straight at me. Also, I wanted to catch you up on things. I died a little while ago. It's been a few days since then. I got an infection when I came out to see you and your dad. Since my immune system is extra week from all of this chemotherapy stuff, it hit me really hard.

"Chemo is almost over. I have two more days until I get tested. I'm really excited, on one hand. I'll be done with chemo. But then there's that part of me that's really scared that it didn't work. I hope that not all of this was for nothing. 

"I really need to see you. I know that you probably don't even use this phone and that you are probably off doing your own thing but I can't just think of us as over. I will not give up hope that you're coming back until you tell me that we are over and done with. Everything right now is just really hard..." I started to get choked up. I hadn't even noticed that there were tears streaming down my face. 

"I'm not sure if I can do this alone." With that, I hung up the phone.

Afterwards, I felt really anxious for him to call me back. Sometimes I thought about calling again. But I can't do that. Cole is busy doing his own thing right now and I need to respect that. I hadn't even thought about calling him until just now, when I laid eyes on the phone. I can't become obsessed with him calling me back because if I do, then you mine as well be carrying me off to an insane asylum. 

I started to get a pounding headache. At first, I thought that I was just worrying so much about Cole calling me back that I was making myself sick. But I realized that there was more to this than what I thought. I had passed out just the day before due to being dehydrated. So I drank lots of water. I even requested that water be put into my IV. Yet, four boring hours passed and I didn't feel any better. That's when I started to get concerned.

What's wrong with me? Obviously, I have cancer, but I don't remember that being a chemo symptom. I'm not dehydrated because all I've been doing for the past four hours is drinking water. You would think that I would feel better by now. Yet, I almost feel worse. 

As I sit there, starting to panic about the fact that everything seems to be wrong with me, my arm twitches. I don't think anything of it. Not until it happens again. Then again. I know that I need to reach for the nurse button, but my arms can't keep still enough for me to do it. I try to call for someone, but my voice comes out as extremely quiet and my words are slurred.