Dear Celia

XVI

February

I visited Havens' in late February to pick up Philosophy for Dummies for Uncle Jed since he was convinced he hadn't read it yet, even though I very clearly remembered the day he had it in May when we sat at the dinner table eating mysterious green meatloaf and talking about baking. It was the day I met Celia.

I found out from Auntie Marie that she really had gone to New York the week after I left her uncle's farm. Apparently, she hadn't told anyone but Henry until a few weeks after she was there. She said wanted to forget Colorado as much as possible, and that was why it took her so long to call her worried mom and relatives back.

I felt guilty.

I remembered the way her voice sounded as I walked away from her, and I told myself that that was how I felt when she told me we should have just stayed friends, and she deserved the pain and the rejection.

But I still couldn't help wishing I had been kinder to her.

When I walked into Havens', Mrs. Hawkins looked shocked to see me. She walked up to me and gave me a tight hug. "I haven't seen you in so long, Lucas!" she said. "I hear from your aunt about everything you've been though. I'm so glad you're okay!"

I smiled and awkwardly hugged Mrs. Hawkins back. "I am too," I said, and she laughed.

We ended up standing in the middle of the bookstore for 20 minutes discussing frivolous things, and somehow the conversation shifted over to Celia.

"I was so worried when she didn't answer any of my calls, you know?" Mrs. Hawkins was saying. "But Henry kept insisting to give her time, but he never told us where she actually was! We were furious with him, but he kept saying she was fine, and she just needed to be with herself. And when she finally called, we were all so relieved and confused as to why she would just disappear to New York without a word!"

"Weird," I said.

Mrs. Hawkins gave me a smile that made me uncomfortable. It was a sad, wistful smile, filled with some unknown secret I was scared to ask about. "She misses you, you know," Mrs. Hawkins said.

There was a pang inside me of guilt. "I know," I found myself saying, even though I really didn't. I hadn't give much thought to what Celia thought of me now.

"Celia doesn't tell me much, but I know something happened between you two... and I just..." Mrs. Hawkins took a breath and I watched in shock as tears began to form in her eyes. "I'm just scared for her."

I really began to feel the guilt in that moment.

"Will you talk to her?" she asked, my hand in hers as she cried. "She won't talk to me. She's feeling something, I know she is. Celia's always been lonely, but never like this. Please... please just talk to her."

"I will," I said. I clasped my hand over hers'. "I promise.

...

february 23rd, 2013

dear celia,

you'd think by now i'd learn to use proper grammar and punctuation, but i'm not the greatest at schoolwork. you know that as well as anyone.

celia, i don't know how else to tell you this, so i'll be frank.

i'm sorry. i was a jerk, and you didn't deserve the way i treated you.

you just have to check your phone to see how many times i've tried to call you and text you, or how many voice messages i've left. so i've resorted to the classic letter writing.

just please please please answer. please.

missing you,

lucas

...

Then next day, I asked Mrs. Hawkins for the address to mail the letter. And so I ripped the letter from my journal, stuck a stamp onto the envelope, and licked it shut. I sent it off on February 24th, and on February 28th there was still no reply.

"Maybe she's hasn't got it yet," Auntie Marie said. "Or she's busy."

"Maybe," I said.

"College is really hard you know," Auntie Marie stated. "Of course, you'll find out firsthand."

It started to become common habit of Auntie Marie's, to bring up college as much as she could. I was 18 and a half and still had not completed my high school courses. It didn't bother me as much as it did last year, but college still seemed like a faraway world that seemed so absurd to imagine.

"Maybe you should try another letter," Auntie Marie suggested. "If she didn't get it, she's bound to get the next one."

And so I did.

...

february 28th, 2013

dear celia,

here we go. try number two of the get-celia-to-talk-to-me project. members: 2 - lucas anker and celia's mom.

seriously. where did you go? i know i only sent one letter and maybe a million texts, but you're more punctual than this.

i'm sorry. i really am. you're not a selfish, conceited bitch. you're a selfless, humble angel. you're pretty and funny and kind. you make me laugh and you appreciate the beautiful things in this world. you're a person, and i care for you.

so let's start things simple then. let's forget we're broken lovers with a messed up history and just focus on the normal things.

how's new york? do you have a new-found love for big cities yet? who's your roommate? met any boys i should be jealous of? oh, and i never found out what you're majoring in.

auntie marie keeps bugging me to get my GED and go to college. i think she's secretly trying to get rid of me. any tips and advice?

missing you,

lucas.

I stared at the words on the page and prepared myself to rip it out of the journal, but stopped.

Somehow, I knew Celia would never reply. I had hurt her bad enough, and if all those ignored voice messages weren't a sign that she didn't want to speak to me, that I didn't know what was.

I pulled my hand away from my journal and shut it.