BACKSTAGE PASS

Elissa & The Pain in the Ass

 Brothers are a pain in the ass.

Okay, that may not be true for all brothers, but it's certainly true for mine.

Since we were kids, my big brother Ethan has tested my last nerve. Like the time when I was eleven and he was thirteen, and I got home from camp to discover he'd stripped all of my Barbie dolls and placed them in lewd lesbian poses. Or the time when I had my first date when I was sixteen, and he opened the door dressed as Freddy Krueger. Or when he put a personal ad on Craigslist when I was eighteen that read, Short, Annoying, Ball-breaking Sister for sale to the first person who shows up at our door with a bottle of Jack Daniels and an X-box.

That last one almost made our dad's head explode with rage. Partly because it was a crappy thing to do, but mostly because three guys actually showed up. Man, there are some sickos in this world. My brother included.

The thing is, I love my brother, even when he's being an ass, (which is most of the time), but he's nothing if not high maintenance. Even if he wasn't an actor and I wasn't his stage manager, I'd have that opinion. For the past two years I've worked on every show he's done, and I've quickly discovered that where Ethan goes, drama never fails to follow.

"Elissa!" My assistant stage manager and best friend, Josh, rushes toward me, and the look on his face speaks volumes. "What the hell is wrong with your brother?"

I shake my head. "I've been asking him that question for years. He usually flips me the bird and refuses to answer."

Josh frowns. This is his first experience in dealing with Ethan in a professional capacity.

Welcome to my hell, buddy.

"He's done something to Olivia," he says. "She's locked herself in the dressing room. It's forty-five minutes 'til curtain, and our leading lady is sobbing and cursing his name. What are we going to do?"

It's the opening night of Romeo and Juliet for the Tribeca Shakespeare Festival. Olivia is playing Juliet, and Ethan is Mercutio. We have reviewers from all over the tri-state area coming, and it's rumored Robert De Niro may show up. I really don't need this crap tonight.

I hand Josh my keys and five bucks. "Head to the green room. Buy chocolate. Then use my keys to open the door to Olivia's dressing room. Give her the chocolate and a hug to calm her down. Tell her my brother is a douchebag and all men are bastards."

"Not all men," he says.

"Yes, sweetheart, not you of course, because you're one of the few rare creatures not ruled by his penis." This isn't true. Josh just pretends to not be ruled by his penis. I know for a fact he got into theater specifically for the hot women. Still, he plays the nice guy role well, so I let it go.

"Just calm her down, okay? You know what to do."

Josh nods. "I know the drill. Stroke her ego. Agree with everything she says. Offer to beat up your brother after the show if necessary."

I almost laugh. The thought of wiry Josh taking on my six-foot-two ex-varsity track champion brother is more than a little hilarious. Ethan would demolish him without breaking a sweat.

Sure," I say. "If violence against Ethan is what she needs to hear, offer to do it. Whatever it takes to get her calm, in costume, and on that stage."

Josh salutes then heads to the dressing rooms. I rub my eyes. The season hasn't even opened yet and my brother is giving me a migraine. Fabulous.

From the first day of rehearsal, it was clear Olivia had it bad for Ethan. That totally boggled my mind because the guy playing Romeo is soooo much more attractive. So attractive he ruins my usually rock-solid composure at every opportunity, but that's another story.