BACKSTAGE PASS

Elissa & The Faraway Friend

"I'm Too Sexy" blares out of my phone, and even before I answer I'm smiling.

"Mort's Mortuary. You kill 'em, we chill 'em. How may I help you?"

"Lissaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."

The amount of whine in Josh's voice makes me laugh.

"Stop it," he snaps. "I'm so homesick, it's pathetic. Don't laugh at my pain. My poor heart can't take it."

"May I remind you it was your choice to study stage management in L.A. instead of here in Westchester with me? You've brought this on yourself."

"I called you for sympathy. Not facts. Now tell me you miss me and that you hate us being apart. And you'd better make it believable or risk witnessing my heartbreaking man-tears."

I laugh and shake my head. "Of course I miss you. I wish you were here every day. Particularly now. You need to be seeing what I'm seeing."

"What?"

I smile. "My brother trying to deny his feelings for a girl he's obviously crazy about. It's epic."

"Really? I thought Ethan had a 'feelings-free' policy when it comes to women."

"He does, which is why this is hilarious."

"Okay, describe the scene."

I feel like a covert operative and lower my voice accordingly. "He's talking to Cassie Taylor, this girl in his acting course. I'm only catching snippets of their conversation, but I think they're discussing Romeo and Juliet. I told you that auditions are coming up for the first year actors, right?"

"Yeah. Thank God stage crew members don't have to audition. As an actor, you make a great stage manager."

I put on my best outraged tone. "How very dare you?!"

"Do you deny you're a sucky actor?"

"Not at all but still ... shush. I've applied to do the lighting design."

"Okay, so you're going to design the lighting plot, and Ethan's a safe bet for Mercutio, I guess. He did get rave reviews for his performance last year."

"He did, but actors can't specify what they're auditioning for. They get one three-minute Shakespearean monologue, then the head of acting will assign the roles as she sees fit. I think he's got a good chance at Romeo. There's only one other guy who even remotely looks the part, and frankly, my brother has cooler hair."

"Yeah, his hair is stupidly cool."

"I would laugh so hard if Ethan got cast in the one Shakespearean role he hates with a passion."

"He doesn't like Romeo?"

"Not even a little bit."

"Well, they'd be crazy to cast him anyway. From what I've seen of your brother, he doesn't have a romantic bone in his body."

I snicker. "We know that, but they don't. And let's face it, my brother is handsome, tall, and talented. They'll probably think he'd knock it out of the park. Poor, misguided fools."

I watch as my brother leans forward to explain something to Cassie. I don't know that I've ever seen him this animated. His voice carries over to me, and I hear him say, "He's not a hero, Taylor. He's a limp, fickle dick who confuses lust with love and kills himself over a chick he's just met."

"What's happening now?" Josh asks.

"Ethan's bagging out Romeo. I'll try to get closer so you can hear."