A MAN'S SORROW CUTS DEEPER

The hand that stopped the heart...

Letting go is never easy. Letting go while still in love so much that breathing without that love is no longer an option is perhaps the hardest thing to do. Hardest in life. Hardest in all of eternity afforded to a heart. And that is exactly how Sanem felt. The pain of letting go was so excrutiatingly painful her heart refused to beat. For it used to beat for two, and now it was beginning to fear it would need to beat for only one...

Sanem found Can in the company of people she never met before. Aside from Ayça. She did not anticipate for it to hurt her so deeply. She did not know which hurt more. The fact that Ayça was there, or that Can so conveniently did not bother to inform her of inviting Ayça or the others. And then a painful and honestly real thought hit her heart. And her soul. She was not important enough for Can to think to let her know. They may have shared love once, they may have now shared close vicinity of a homestead, but they no longer shared the same life. And she felt like turning around and leaving unnoticed only to escape to her room and cry her aching heart out. But that was not an option. So she did the only thing she could have. She stood her ground and fought each boundary in her eyes against the tears that were battling inside her, fighting to come out.

So she fought those tears and won that battle. For a short time at least. She told Can she did not possess any knowledge of climbing or mountain sports. And she proved herself right by making a fool of herself and embarrassed herself beyond the despair she was already feeling in her heart and soul. Ayça added salt to her wound by emphasizing just how minimal her skills would prove if she came along. And Can agreed with her, only making Sanem feel even lesser of a person she already felt in his heart...

When everyone left, and Sanem stood facing Can, she felt so lonely that her eyes could no longer shine with her love for him. Her heart and soul yearned for even the slightest glimpse of the man she fell in love with. His kindness, his touch, a smidge of his love. And her heart broke, broke again, and into more pieces than she remembered when he left her standing in the hospital hallway over a year ago. She could no longer control her sorrow. She asked him whom she was to him? As whom would she go climbing with him? A friend? An old flame? A fiance? A future wife? An old love he felt guilty about letting go? Each word that spilled out of her mouth came from all those broken pieces of her heart. It pained her to say them, but she could no longer hide her sorrow. She held on to their love for as long as she could. Fought all their past mistakes and victories and failures. She saw that he cared. But that was not enough. Not enough for the love they once shared. Not enough for her heart that was yearning for a man he no longer was in her eyes.

She fought for their love with all that she was. She fought for them both. And was beginning to see she was loosing that battle. That failure stung her with a thousand arrows filled with sorrow of memories of what they once shared. She fell in love with a dream of a man so out of her reach. They lived a love and shared a love so indescribable that she cried for it to return to her. But the man that stood before her now was turning into a man again only from a dream of what they once shared, and again so out of her reach.

She no longer could stand before him, for she could feel the tears in her heart gathering all the way up to her throat. She turned and began to walk away from the place that used to hold so much love and peace. She was walking away from the safety of his closeness. He could not bare the thought of her walking away and went to her. He whirled her around and she ended up back in his arms. Breaths so close he could already feel his lips on hers. But she too could feel how close he pulled her in. And something deep inside her told her not to pull in any closer. That thought scared her, because for the first time in her life she feared for his kiss. Her heart commanded her to be guarded now. At all cost. At all price. So she raised her hand and held it out against his chest. The hand that once held his heart now stopped that heart from reaching out to her.

Doing so, she hurt them both. She hurt herself for she realized how painful the consequences of what she just did would be. And she hurt him because she failed to see that he was truly beginning to open up to her, but he too was scared for his own heart. And that was the error of both of their ways. Fighting for their own hearts caused their hearts to fear and no longer fight for one another. What their hearts felt was beginning to be hushed by the thoughts in their heads.

Sanem told Can he did not need to bother to kiss her. That she no longer needed it. Walking away from him this time left her numb. So painfully numb that the tears that swelled up in her throat froze there. She could no longer speak. She could no longer think. The despair of it all left her heart bleeding. But the fact that she left with her back turned from Can left her with one very important missing piece of the puzzle. For in the battle she just waged against herself and him, she failed to see just how much love he felt for her now. How his eyes bled with the unspoken sorrow for he finally felt what she felt in her heart. That instant moment of realization that she might no longer stay next to him shook him to the core.

Memories or not, he was more determined now than ever that he would not let her go. Not now and never this easily. And the Can Divit he was swore to himself that the woman that was beginning to walk away from him would turn around and run back toward him one way or another. And that they would find a way back to that love they once shared. And that nothing and no one would stand in the way of that love...