Kabanata 48
He was stunned and yet the pain was palpable through his eyes. His lips were slightly opened because of the words I just uttered. The burning anger within me was emitting through my eyes. I wanted to restrain myself from telling all these information to him because my heart was slowly shredded into small pieces. My heart was harshly walloping my ribcage and the only thing I could do was to look at him with raving wrath mixed with despair. Awhile, I wanted to run away because getting back to the past meant to destruct myself beyond repair.
Recalling all the things happened years ago, I couldn't compel the ascending of pain in my peak of self-control, pushing me to the brink of lethargy. My baby. My angel. I knew that he was now happy with Him. I knew that he was in the best arm but I can't help but to think about the 'what ifs' in my life. My miscarriage made me change myself. Every night, I was contemplating the things that I might be doing if he had survived. I wasn't a perfect woman but I will do my best to be a perfect mother. But all the bubble of illusion had gone to explode when the shaft of reality waylaid it mercilessly. Pain, anger, and sorrow consolidated as I stared at the father of my son.
Yes, my baby was still a blood but I knew it was a boy. I had the sense that he was and I was certain about it. How funny it may seem, despite the grudge I was holding for Antoine, I still named my son after his name. Even he was still a blood and some elderly advised me to just buried it elsewhere, I buried him next to my parents. That day was the most painful and excruciating day of my life— a mother burying her son. I swallowed hard when I saw him moved forward. I receded but he was adamant to get near me. His eyes were engulfed with pure lividity and pain. The muscles on his jaw were clenching repeatedly as he took another step to me.
"A-Antoine—"
"What did I do to deserve this from you?" the sorrow and pain on his voice were very audible.
Parang pinipiga ang aking puso. Tears rolled down from his eyes as he continued walking to my part. My heart skipped a beat when I felt the cold wall against my back. He looked as menacing as he locked me through his hands that were situated on the both side of my head. The flame of anger within his eyes was scorching me and my heart. The pain within his eyes were doubled— no, it was no measurable. Kitang kita ko ang pagpatak ng kaniyang mga luha at pagbuo ng panibago. He was hurt too.
"Why... What did I do deserve this from you?" ulit niya, puno ng sakit at galit ang kaniyang mga mata. "Why didn't you tell me about our child, Hera!"
"N-natatakot ako—"
"Bullshit! Why are you afraid? From what? I deserve to know because it was mine!"
"A-akala mo ba madali sa akin ang lahat, Antoine? Every night, I was crying— mourning for my losses, for my lost baby—"
"You should have told me when you learned that you were pregnant of my child!" sigaw niya at halos mapapikit ako ng buong lakas niyang sununtok ang padar sa aking likod.
The anger and pain he was feeling was so strong. Halos hindi ko kayang tumingin sa kaniyang mga mata dahil nakakapanghina. The expression his eyes were spitting was unbearable— it was dark as storm painted with death and agony.
"I... I tried to tell y-you about our child. That w-was the reason why I went to Manila! But when I saw a woman going to your unit—"
"Damn it, I told you that she's nothing! Pinaalis ko siya—"
"That was what I thought, alright?! Wala akong ibang maisip na dahilan kung bakit siya naroon! My mind was clouded with your history of women! Natakot ako para sa anak ko! I thought you'll reject him because you wanted your life before you met us! I thought you don't want the responsibility of a father!"
