I drove up to the lake maybe. Drove in circles a few times before cutting the engine. I might have wanted to go outside and walk around, but it was so cold. So I just stayed in and lowered my seat back so I could see the stars. I feel asleep or I sat so still that I felt like I was sleeping. Maybe I drove away before the sun came up and found the closest movie theater. One of those abandoned looking cinemas surrounded by empty parking lots and malls that are all going out of business. Bought a ticket just so I could sit in the dark. Let's say it was an older movie, black and white, doesn't matter. There were three people in the movie with me. I couldn't keep my eyes open, so I closed them. Security woke me up. The sun had risen. I'm in need of sleep, so I hike down into the reserve behind the theatre. Sparse and unlivable for wild animals, including the sun. Might have found a damp rock under a canopy of trees. had to curl up on my side to fit on it, but it was dark and so was I. I was having a pretty crazy dream about being on the International Space station. Ridiculous how far I would go chasing the dark. The screens read, "Congratulations on making it to day 28!" I was supposed to be alone. Then I turn around and the emergency shuttle was gone. There was only one. I had everything I needed to survive for the next 50 years. I knew this in that dream kind of way, where you just know. The place was huge and complete with a pool and every gaming console in existence. But I sat by the entrance to the emergency shuttle knowing there was nothing on the other side. And I pulled out a children's book about dealing with emotions. I read aloud. None of it made a lot of sense. At the end was dialogue I still recall: "I think I want to runaway, but I can't bring myself to say goodbye." "Then work on it. Practice saying goodbye until it comes easy to you. On that day it will be time to leave." I shut the book and the entrance to the emergency exit beings to cry. The screens in the station read,"You never said goodbye! Why are you here!? You don't know how to live on your own!" The tears start to flood the station. The water rises in my dreams.
I'm dreaming on a rock in the woods behind a movie theatre or
I'm sitting up in bed and my pillow is soaked. My wrist aches as I write over and over again,"I'm dying of loneliness." And I feel like I knew it all along in that dream kind of way.
