letters to you

"number 58"

dear "number 58",

idk i guess i knew you were gonna go back to her. even though you gave me so much attention those few nights (and hopefully more to come) , maybe i'm not as special as i thought i was to you. or maybe you aren't as amazing as i thought you were. no matter how many times i talk to you and tell you that youre truly amazing, you deny it. but it all secretly means i want you to stay with me and help me with my problems that are deep inside of me. the problems that come out in the latest of the night. the problems that never die. and i want to do the same. but ever since i've started talking to you, i've lost it. i really have. and i don't know if i'll ever get myself back.

you are the reason for all my fucking breakdowns, nervous or not. you cause the things to happen to me that i never knew one could feel. or one could even have.

simply, you've changed. not just you, yourself. but me as well. you could say you've taken who i am. my social skills changed, my views changed, my heart.

all because of what you've told me. and what you've said about other things and people.

and never did i think a message would mean so much. the "hi" or "hey" i send then receive 7 seconds, minutes, or even hours later. and how we'd argue about who's word was '"eh" and the many times we've exchanged that damned two letter word.

the many times you've told me that i can trust you, yet i still insist that you aren't who you say you are but i know im wrong. i still don't fully open up when i wish i did or could. but there's just something stopping me and making me shut down.

you cause so much shit to happen inside of me. i mean ive fucking cried over you. on vacation, in my room, even to an adult.

who the fuck knew a two digit number could mean so much. "number 58 get on the field"

i kept my eye on you the whole time you played, and even when you were walking up and down the sideline. although i stood next to your mom and sister(s), my main focus was you. and only you.

i guess you could say i love you, but it's odd to think about. i can't love you and it's a damn shame. because you deserve someone to love you. someone who loves you like i do.

i want you to be able to get what you want, and i hope you get what you need as well. and i do love you.

abby