Fire and Mud: a GoT parody

Three Eggs, Three Deaths and the Wall

The ship lurched across plain waters as Dany stared out at her first glance at Westeros. It had been a long time since she had landed face first into the Dothraki campfire and survived unscathed, but she had finally arrived.

All in all, the journey had been a pleasant one. Jorah had agreed to come along with her as an escort as long as he could remain out of sight: apparently his face was well known in Westeros, meaning he could stay right where Dany could keep an eye on him. Viserys had packed a heavy supply of Dothraki hair dye, which actually looked better on her than her natural silver, and she’d convinced him into staying behind until she sent for him on condition that she kept away from any bonfires, which she agreed... for now. And she had three boyfriends, which Viserys wasn’t going to know about.

Now her boyfriends were surrounding her as she stared out onto the lands of the north, where she would meet a friend of Jorah’s who would buy Viserys’s dragon eggs, hopefully at a high price.

“The Wall, is it?” she said dubiously, glancing at a map as Dorean pointed out the keep of the Night’s Watch. “And what’s this friend called?”

“Lord Commander Mormont of the Night’s Watch,” replied Irrin.

“Mormont? As in—”

“Jorah, yes,” answered Jhiquan.

“Huh,” she mused.

“It might be dangerous for you to go there, my lady,” Irrin warned. “The Night’s Watch, well, they’re...”

“What?”

“They’re made up of all the criminals and bastards of Westeros,” Jhiquan explained. “They all take a vow to join the Night’s Watch, cut themselves off from their families and never lay with a woman...”

“Oh.”

“They might have trouble holding back.”

“I can look after myself,” she reassured them. “I have three egg-shaped rocks to throw at them if they try. Plus I can set the whole building on fire and survive.”

“Do you want us to follow you nevertheless?” Dorean asked.

Dany thought about it. “I am very fond of you all, I confess. But I don’t want you being tempted into joining the Watch if you do.”

“Oh, no, no, no, no,” they said emphatically, shaking their heads.

She smiled as the ship travelled through the Bay of Seals towards Eastwatch-by-the-Sea.

On the Wall, Jon Snow stood outside the entrance, squinting pensively into the afternoon mist. A woman was coming. This did not bode well.

How could it bode well? It was the Night’s Watch, for trees’ sake. A society built from the dangerous and destitute of Westeros, a society featuring thieves, murderers, rapists and bastards of the unpleasant persuasion as well as illegitimate. This daughter of Jorah Mormont would be leaving minus a virginity, if she was lucky.