Art Puns: the Trilogy ˊˎ˗ art book 3

Changing my life for the better [not clickbait]

Title ain't a lie, I hope

Aaaaaaaa how do I even put this,,

Well first of all, no art here. I am still on hiatus so I figure that's alright. [I will have something soon tho!] this is gon be a huge ramble, prolly quite a bit of venting but this is a positive thing in the end

Alright

I've had a Revelation and to put it lightly, I'm done being miserable

Let me explain

So I'm insecure, right? We all know how much I despise myself. I hate myself to the core of my being. Not a single trait is in any way appealing to me. It hurts to do anything because I know it's wrong and bad and disgusting and annoying to everyone around me. I'm trying to make that feeling past tense

On Friday,, okay, I'm gon try my best to make this short, oversharing isn't super fun [yes ik I do it a lot hsjdhd] my parents made me go to the ib indoctrinati I mEAn ib acceptance thing, thankfully a lot of my friends had to go too so I was with them, quick bit of info: we're moving on to the worst year of the program, everyone says how awful it is [not to mention disorganized] the work load is insane,, we're all super cynical bc we're getting what's supposed to be an amazing junior year taken away from us for no real reason. But  a n y w a y

Kind important context: the ending third is when the senior class, aka the happy less stressed ones, do their thing, and this gal gave a speech and they showed their cheesy slideshow and hdjdhdhd I just,, I'm such a blindly hopeful type, I want to be happy and hang out with my friends all the time and just. Be a kid. I rlly hope I can

Afterward,, okay  n o  judgement pls but my parents took me to go get fro yo to celebrate and I was actually happy about it, that's right I enjoy doing things with my parents,, hdjdhdh why am I this way but I immediately regretted it bc,, what's my worst fear when I do something like that? Seeing someone I know

And  b o i  did I see people I know

When we got there, there was this group of girls,, about as 'popular' as you can get in the ib program? That kind of likable that just attracts friends left and right. I can't believe they know my name but one girl said hi as we walked in and I mumbled hi back, ducking my head away, on the way out it took all I had not to run, I was with my parents after going to the ib night and that had to be their basically first impression of me. I don't want to be thought of like that

Which ig explains why my reaction was to shake with fear, sob uncontrollably and hyperventilate the whole drive back

This is getting too long so to put it simply, my parents and I talked back and forth for over an hour, I kept crying more and more and the conversation went from my overreaction to my self esteem. Yaaaaay. Happens a lot with situations like this

We ended up going farther into these things than I ever have. I won't go into details, but essentially shit like 'how can I even have an opinion on myself or anything if I can't trust myself' and ' because I think lowly of myself my first thought when I see someone else acting confident/etc is to be super judgmental, and then I feel incredibly guilty', not to mention 'if I try to act confident I feel guilty, if I act self deprecating it hurts my friends and I feel guilty, I'm trapped', damn, that's a lot of guilt

During that conversation,, I made a decision

I'm done ignoring all that cheesy advice to accept little victories and treat myself with kindness

I'm done punishing myself, physically and mentally, for every little thing. I constantly berate myself for every mistake. God,, my head hurts just thinking about the past months. Provided no one else was around, I would hit my head and body as hard as I could every time I messed up anything, from mistyping a word to eating a meal when not obligated to thinking about how awful this cycle was. The headaches were unbearable by the end of each night and I couldn't relax. I had myself imprisoned, forced into unfair rules

I'm done feeling fucking miserable

I want to make a change,, and I have. I hope I can keep it up. Ever since Friday, I've only hit myself twice [accidental impulse] and I've tried my best not to yell at myself in my head. The amount of times I've had to silently cut myself off from saying bitch lmaoo,, I still mess up a lot but I'm trying not to get so mad at myself. It's difficult. I have a huge temper and I've always taken it out on myself. But I think it's working

I don't want this to be temporary. I want to feel free. I want to be happy and confident and love myself, and, in turn, be capable of both loving and being loved

I already feel very guilty for acting this way, but,, damn. I feel less stressed in the middle of finals than I did the entirety of last week, last month even

I'm going to try and believe compliments

I'm going to take credit for successes

I'm going to make a change

There are so many people in my life I care so deeply about, so many who've given me a chance, I want to continue giving back to them in every way I can and to make meaningful bonds

I,, I can do this!! I can be happy!! Misery may be comfortably complacent but it's not worth the agony, and no matter how hard it is, I'm going to do this

Thank you all for your support through everything, always

<3