A Clove of Fates

3. Dies With You

She was sitting on the porch balustrade, staring up at the night sky, the moon already hanging high above our heads. When would she have to leave, I wondered? But she wouldn't, would she?

She couldn't.

I had to make sure of that.

She looked over her shoulder at me, and her gaze stopped me in my tracks. There was sadness in her eyes, but no confusion. No hidden seam that my words could weasel their way into. She was decided. She really was leaving, wasn't she? Only this time, I knew she wasn't coming back.

She looked forward again and I was able to move. "I'm sorry." She said.

"You shouldn't say that if you don't mean it."

"I do." Her voice cracked.

"You don't." I swallowed. It hurt. "If you did, you wouldn't be leaving me again."

She looked at me for a moment before sighing and shaking her head. "You know it's more complicated than that."

"It's not 'complicated' at all." I said. I sat next to her. "What you're doing is stupid, and you're probally going to die."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not going to die. I have a plan." She sent me a glance. "You know I'm smarter than that."

"Do I? Mama was right, we haven't talked." I shivered, wrapped my arms around my body. "I feel like I hardly even know you anymore."

She thought about her words before saying them, each syllable deliberate. "I'm not like the others. I'm not going to him because I...he hasn't charmed me, or anything. And he doesn't see me as just another one of his concubines."

There was that wild spark behind her eyes. Her voice lowered, letting me know she was telling me a secret that she was too excited to have. "He told me that he could give me the power of a god. I wouldn't have to pray or sacrifice to anyone. I would be my own magic source."

I looked at her in horror. "Gods, Elke. Will it ever be enough?" I shifted away from her. "Wasn't leaving home enough? Wasn't going to school enough?" The few inches of space that I'd gained between the two of us wasn't enough. I slid down from the balustrade. "Is magic all that you care about? Do I mean nothing at all to you?"

"Of course not." She shook her head, her whole body really, as if she was attempting to free herself of my words. She scowled at her lap. "You don't get it. None of you ever have."

"Get what?"

"What it's like to want something. To need to be something. Everyday I lived here I died a little. It was like I was suffocating. You really want me to come back here just to live like that again?"

"I want you to talk to me!" I grabbed one of her hands, which had curled into fists, and squeezed as hard as I could, convinced that if I held on long enough, tight enough, I could keep her here. "If I had known that's how you were feeling I could've helped you. I get that with the way Mamma and Pa are about...you know, about magic, it might have been hard before but I can be there for you now."

"Jarelis..."

"I can...can learn spells with you and do magic like you do. I could even go into the city with you sometimes if you wanted. I—"

"You aren't enough, Jarelis!"

I blinked. Dropped her hand. Took a step back as silence fell around my head. She hadn't ever yelled at me before. Not like this. From the way her face dropped, I could tell she regretted it. But it was too late. The words had already left her mouth.

I was not enough for her.

How pathetic was it that she was more than enough for me?

She sighed. "I didn't...Look, I'm sorry, okay. You know I didn't mean it like that, I just...haven't you ever had a dream?"

I didn't have an answer for her.

Her eyes softened in pity. "Is this really all you want from life? You're, what, just going to live on this farm forever?"

"I have dreams." My voice was small and unsure.

"Really?" She laughed. The sound made me feel so small in comparison to her, like I was something I had to hide. "What are they?"

All I could think of was that I had been drowning too, here in this house without her. All I could think of was that the emptiness that she'd claimed she had felt having to hide her magic for the nineteen odd years she'd spent on this farm was nothing compared to the void that her absence had created in my life. All I could think of was how she would rather face death head on than stay with me.

I mean, here she was laughing at me, her poor hopeless sister with a small mind and a simple heart.

"At least I'm not selfish." When I spoke, it wasn't loud, but I'd found that it was the quiet words that burrowed their way into your skin. I wanted what I was going to say to last. "At least I care about how my actions affect the people I love. At least I'm here," I spat the word out, "and not gallivanting around in search of something that has never done a single person any good."

"Jarelis, I don't want to—"

"No, no. You're right. It's true. I don't know much about magic or the world or life outside of Sviet. I have no idea why you think this is worth the price of your life. But, if there's one thing I do know it's this: this thing, this magic is a poison that I hope dies in this family with you."

I turned on my heel and went back inside, careful not to let her see the tears already free flowing from my eyes. I needed her to believe this lie, that as far I was concerned, she could live or die and I wouldn't care. Because if she believed it, maybe I could believe it myself. And maybe then I could go on with my life at last, free from the shadow she always seemed to leave behind.