As Told By

possibly impossible. the 3rd time

I've been loved before. So many times i have been love. There are the ones who "have" to love you and there are those who can't help it. Do you ever find it hard for you to love back? Like there is something is putting up a blockade inside you stopping you from risking it. It takes a lot to love back you know? There is so much too lose and so much that you have to keep up with. You no longer have to take care of yourself but now another person's feelings and health. I never understood if my feelings manifested from my heart or if it was pressure from my brain telling me that I needed to blend in... join the pack. I guess you can say that I did indeed "join the pack", I'm getting married now. It's so terrifying and magnificent and alluring.  You want it so much and can't wait for your life to start. But there is a risk factor here. It is possible impossible for me to ever know if my life is genuine enough for me to have been granted such a man. He puts up with it all. My inability to cope properly my mood swings and my high maintenance stubbornness. Who do I think I am? Why am I putting this man through all of this torment and why does he seem unfazed? Un - tormented. I used to think i was like the others. I thought that the people around me worked the same way I did. I hoped that everyone understood my level of emotions.  It wasn't until this man, a man who I was inevitably going to end up with, a man who majored in psychology, this man showed me a way. Notice I don't say the way, which is exactly the point. He said there is no one way. He also explained that I have some serious issues.  He's not afraid. 

  How did this happen? I used to distance myself as far as possible from people just so I wouldn't end up tearing them apart inside or even so I didn't tear myself apart inside trying to make them believe in my facade. This man. This man! He saw me like I was a glass house. He saw straight through. But he didn't run or cower. He built me up. He became my contractor, building walls and adding depth to my already ornate and delicate system. He put his heart into this. And he found mine.

  There is so much work to be done.  So much I need to say and so much that I am forced to feel. But I can't help but be in love with a man. It's possibly impossible for me to not be in love with THIS man. But I have never met this me.

  Will I be any good at this? Keeping up with another hominid?  Keeping track of not only my life but his? I guess the questions don't even matter because we already know that there is no turning back now. But over all I need to know if I can bare it. Can I stand being responsible if I ever do rip through this man's soul? If I break him down piece by piece until there is nothing left to love. Who will save me then? Who could want a person like that? Like me.