I Thought You Were Different: Part 6

Words

KEEP THE ANGST GOING

You all went back home right away the next morning. There was no reason to try to escape the inevitable. It wasn't a bad dream, it wasn't a hallucination. What it was, however, was devastation. You would gladly let Thanos end you again to make this stop, and to take Tony's place instead.

As the jet came in for a landing at the compound hangar bay, you looked down at the grounds when movement caught your eye. There were rows of cars along the drive, and a large group of people in front of the building. At the door, being bombarded by questions, was a pale, fatigued looking Pepper. You wanted to be angry for her, and you tried to muster some up, but you couldn't do it so all you had was an attempt at acting instead. Stepping out of the jet, you made your way to her despite the questions now being hollered out at you, taking her hand to pull her away. Steve stayed back and shut down the yelling reporters with a threat that you didn't fully hear, but his tone made it clear that he wasn't bluffing in the least.

"How dare you even think that you have any right to talk to her," you snapped at the group. "You should be ashamed of yourselves. It's been one goddamn day, and you have no idea what we've lost here. Get the hell off my property and don't expect to ever be invited back." With a glance back over your shoulder, you looked at the grass that had churned up under their feet, and a memory from long ago stung your dying heart. "You have no regard for lawn maintenance."

Bringing Pepper inside, you stopped just to the side of one of the huge windows so that you could make sure that your orders were being followed. "Thank you, (Y/N)."

"You don't need to do that. T'Challa has the media covered and it's cruel to expect you to answer things they don't need to know."

"(Y/N)," she said with barely a hint of sound, "I'm so sorry."

"I know, I'm sorry too." With a long hug between you, and a few more words of attempted encouragement, the two of you turned your separate ways so that you could unpack and she could begin the terrible job of preparations for Tony's service. You would help her, of course, just not right now. It would likely kill you to do it, but that was beginning to seem completely reasonable.

~~~

"Honey, I need to have a meeting with Nick. Will you be okay?"

"I don't need to be babysat, Steve."

"That's not what I said."

"Right," you sighed, "I'm fine. You can go. I'll probably still be unpacking all of this when you get back."

He gave you a hug, standing behind you, but you didn't reciprocate. Normally, his arms around you made you feel safe and loved and like the world couldn't touch you. You felt the strength of it and his attempt at comfort, but you also felt that a fake attempt to give anything back was worse than none at all so you let him release you and go.

You filled drawer after drawer and returned your closet to near full, but when you moved Steve's suitcase to put it away and took it off the bed, it caught your eye. The conversation you had been robbed of; your last chance for reason from the man you could never speak to again. The one thing that could make or break you right now, and it was methodically laid perfectly on your pillow.

A letter from Tony.

~~~

Now, (Y/N), don't be mad.

I knew exactly what I was doing, and I couldn't put you through being with me when this happened. I felt it start right before you left for Wakanda. That's why I didn't hug back at first; I don't want you to see me like this. I don't want that memory for you. I'd rather you remember the sarcastic, eccentric, and remarkably attractive man that I was.