The Prodigal

Chapter 22

I've interacted with Jael on fewer and further between instances as the months go by. Mostly she's had a fight with Sam or been corrected by an Elder when she's said or done something she shouldn't have. It seems she must be complying with the rules more frequently as her phone calls lessen. Like she's melting into the person our parents prayed for us to be when we were small.

I'd expected my Father to start watching me closer and attempting to control me more once Jael went away, but surprisingly, he relents. He doesn't contact me as often and is always understanding when I ask to stay at school for a weekend to study which increases my time spent with Eli even more. Jonathon frequently stays at school as well but no one questions our relationship.

I can only describe this time as coasting. My life is full and complete here at school, yet I continue to go to back home. I'm in a full double life, and not meeting too much resistance. Eli is patient and long-suffering and no one in Virginia presses me for information about my life at school. I'm happy in avoiding the confrontation with my Father that continues to loom in the background.

*

I stand outside Ruth's house, too petrified to go in. It's not even late, barely ten o clock. She hasn't even started to worry about me. That's part of what makes me feel worse about what I did. My Father would have assumed the worst from the get-go and been harassing me from the moment I left with Adam. Ruth actually trusted me. Knowing that causes more regret than years of religious persuasion. I feel like a child hiding a broken vase in the hopes that its presence will somehow be forgotten before any questions are asked.

I pace in front of the house several times and am lost in my own repetitive thought pattern. I made a huge mistake. I'm a terrible person. I betrayed Eli.

"Aren't you cold out here? How many times are you going to circle the house like a shark?" Ruth's voice startles me.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you" I say. My voice feels thick and my face is heavy. My mouth is dry from drinking earlier.

"Nothing to be sorry for. I was just keeping an eye out. Why don't you come inside?"

I nod and head up the porch steps. I follow her inside.

"I'm going to take a shower" I say blankly. I'm waiting for her to say something either outright or passive aggressively that implicates me in my misconduct.

"Good. Get warmed up. Ended up a lot colder out there than it was supposed to be. You ok?" Ruth's question sounds nothing but genuine. As much as I've braced for her disappointment, it doesn't come. Her acceptance makes it impossible to lie.

"Not really. I messed up" I choke out, biting my tongue to hold back tears. Ruth doesn't reach out to me but doesn't push me away.

"Naomi, you can tell me about it if you need to. I wouldn't judge you for anything you had to say. But to be honest, I'd just as rather have you not say it. Little details don't matter. I only need to know you're alright."

Hearing Ruth refer to what happened as a 'little detail' makes my stomach do a flip. On my ride home, I'd felt pinned to the seat by the weight of what I'd done. I had drug it like a giant anchor into the house with me. And now Ruth was cutting me free of it.

"It feels wrong" I whisper.

"Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. It doesn't change anything either way. You can still love Eli. And I still love you."

Ruth is right. Even if sex with Adam isn't the right thing to do, it doesn't alter anything. Eli is still gone. The worst case scenario is he's somewhere in the afterlife witnessing my life play out.

"I love you too Ruth. I don't know what I did to deserve you. Or Eli. Let alone both of you."

"If only it could have been at the same time" Ruth muses. I bear the responsibility of that as much as Eli. I prevented it from happening early on. He ended things before the long haul was over. Why didn't we met in the middle?