Something told me to open my eyes. The voice, mine but distant and cold, startled me awake. I was surrounded by darkness. Wrapped in a blanket that needed two bodies in order to feel warm and comforting. I was freezing.
Sobering loneliness and confusion. Where was she?
The silence around me was unsettling. No snores. No breathing. No life. And in a room this grand and luxurious, that kind of silence is scary. I got out of the bed and walked out of the bedroom.
There I found refuge from the darkness. A small hint of light down the hall, past the kitchen, near the sliding glass door that led to an outside balcony. The voice within me returned, telling me to follow the light.
I walked slowly, not wanting to betray the silence of the night. Wanting to be unheard and unseen. I could hear the two of them whispering outside, as if they wanted the same.
The resort was built on a beach. Each room had a breathtaking balcony view of the ocean. So close, that the waves could be heard and the scent of the water could be inhaled. A lovers paradise.
I walked near the sliding glass door, peaking outside just enough to see Rihanna and Carter sitting down in chairs talking. He was sitting next to her, both of them at an angle where they could look into each others eyes or stare out at the ocean. I was hidden well, adapting to the distant omnipresence of the darkness. My lungs tense yet inactive, since hearing them was more important than breathing.
How they would interact with each other was a mystery to me. Their backgrounds and personalities so different. Their tie to me so deeply emotional and complicated. It was a goal of mine to see them talk to each other. Laugh with each other. Argue with each other.
I hadn't imagined them doing that without me, but with the opportunity presented, I stood frozen, alert, and drawn in to their alone time.
"Go away," she sighed.
Her brittle voice revealed her state. She had been crying, or maybe still was, it was hard to tell from where I stood. What I could easily recognize was Carter's body language. He was leaned in, eyes forward, focusing on her even as she looked away. Attentive even though her body language suggested that she was withdrawn. It appeared he was attempting to comfort her. I immediately wanted to know why.
"I can't," he said softly. "I'm here now."
"I'll be fine old man," she said aggressively, though her voice still seemed weak and unconvinced of it's strength. She wiped her eyes and continued looking away into the distance. He leaned in further and touched her bare shoulder. She turned to him then. He wiped her eyes with his finger.
I felt myself wanting to burst emotionally. I managed to swallow my screaming voice.
"You're aren't fine though. You're out here by yourself crying. I can't leave until I know you are okay."
"Let me cry then," she said. "I'd just like to be alone."
"I can't do that. I can't rest knowing you're out here alone."
"You are just as stubborn as Bee says you are."
They stared into each other without words for what felt like an eternity. It was as if they were speaking things they couldn't verbalize through this bizarre stare off. And then he smiled. And then she laughed. It didn't look as if she was enjoying her laugh either. Her laugh led to him laughing. They laughed with each other silently, her looking off in the distance and him looking toward the ground. I felt as if I knew why they were laughing. When emotions are this complex, sometimes it's the only thing someone can do to cope. Either that or cry. Rihanna had already been crying.
