Losing Liam (Ziam fic)

EDIT****** Marisa posted an updated version, all mistakes fixed and some changed to the story, warning include Suicidal triggers, and character death, you've been warned.

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Oh screw it,

16

I think back to the beginning and try to warp myself into thinking that if I had just noticed earlier things could have turned out differently. That maybe, by the smallest thread of fate, I could have saved him and not be empty, and alone, and broken.

I realize what everyone would say, that ‘there was nothing I could do.’ And everything had been inevitable from the start. But I can’t help but blame myself. I love him so much and every day I just crave to see him. Is it so horrible to ask for just one moment away from my dreams where I can see him smile? Or listen to his laugh? Am I not allowed this never-ending want to wake up knowing the first thing I see in the morning is him?

Everyone says I shouldn’t think this way though, that if I do I can never move on. I always laugh at them and tell them I don’t want to move on. And they always look at me sadly and walk away, and I think that if none of this happened and somebody said that to me I’d walk away too, so I don’t get mad at them for it.

I’ve thought about it many times, the first notable moment when I realized something was wrong. He had forgotten my mother’s name. I have to smile when I think about it, she had been so angry, she had never approved of him in the first place.

I only really smile when I think of him now, and I almost wish I could smile like I use too, but that would be betrayal. And if I did start smiling like I use to I know I would slowly start to forget him, memory is all I have left now.

I miss him so much and it’s not fair. I’m the only one left with the memories, and he’s gone forever.

I’m done Now.

Zayn

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Dear Myself,

1

This is letter one to myself. I’m writing because I’m so scared. Liam just told me something, and I don’t want to tell you in the first letter because maybe then it won’t be real. Also, I want you first to know you had a really good life. So when you’re ever feeling down, just read one of these, I hope they help you in whatever we, well just you, are going through. So here we go-

Whoever said love was hard had to be off their rockers, or, at least, they had never seen me and Liam before. Liam is my everything, he’s perfect, and handsome, and kind. His eyes are puppy dog brown and his hair is the most beautiful shade of brown I’ve ever seen. And when I am with him I can honestly say, with all my heart, that I have never been happier in my life than when I am standing next to him. But mom is always saying that I am only twenty-six, and I have my whole life ahead of me. I personally think she just wants me to find a girl, any girl, just not Liam. I wonder if you’ll know whenever you read this.

We are that typical couple at the end of a romantic movie. We love each other and there is absolutely nothing wrong with our entire relationship. Louis, he’s one of our my friends, I’m not sure if you’re still friends, he is always saying we were in the extended honey moon faze of dating. Only we’ve been together for nearly three years now, like I said, romantic movie ending. I hope you’re still friends with Louis.

I can’t help my actions though, I am literally so in love with Liam that going an hour without seeing him makes me antsy, I guess that makes me clingy, but Liam doesn’t seem to mind.