"YOU get a scar! YOU get a scar!" (EMOTIONALY)

143 7 4

by Rex-Pensive

by Rex-Pensive

LOGBOOK OF MY MONOPOLY GAME WHICH OPRAH WINFREY

HOUR 0, MINUTE 3

Good friend Oprah Winfey and I are ready for get it POPPI'N... It's time for MO NOPOLY time! Let the games commence!

I shake the two dice so very focused.
"Snake Eyes!!" shrieks Oprah Winfry grabbing the table. "Snake eyes, snake eyes!" chants she with big volume. The dice escape my hand and rolls swiftly over the board.
"Better be MOTHER FUKING snake eyes!" Oprah Winfrey threatens ominously.
The dice spell "5" and "4".
"RE-ROLL" demands the popular talk shot how.

HOUR 1, MINUTE 18

Oqrah does throw herself a "10" and lands on "Community Chest".
"What in the name of HOLLY JESUS is this PINKO shitfest??!" she demands highly outrageous. "'Made in China' if I didn't knew it! Indoctrination with the commie-loving BASTERDS coming for my flea market economy..."
"It's juice a card Orpah," attempted I to calm down. Oppah RIPS OFF her sweater now! "I'll shall show you MY Comunity Chest, you dingus!" she whoops. And does remove her brassiere.
Oh Noprah please put an end to this impromptu STRIP CHEESE?

HOUR 3, MINUTE 40

This "family friendy" board game now takes FOREVER... I pass I MOVE along the square "GO" Collect $200 Salary As You Pass.
"May I have my $200 bukes money bucks please?" I droop.
"This nation is going to HECK in a HAMBASKET," shrieks GoProh, "teaching young'younguns that free HANDOUTS is ENTITLED MILLENIALS some kind'a game to you? Punck?"
"May I just have my money" I redroop.
"You may have JACK. SHIP." Oboe Winslet explodes so angerful. "And I will CONFUSCATE this dense thimble too!" she adds.
"I require the thimble for Mobopoly purposes," I plead, "it is I need as my board piece."
"I'll shall show you MY board piece" Opera yells, "you DING GUS."
And now Oprah pulled a gun on my forehead

Jeece Louise

HOUR 8, MINUTE 22

Good LORD. Have MACY'S. There is no end. Only sulfering.

"I desire to construct a hotel in Boardwalk," announce I. I said.
"Construct THIS," screams Orchestra Windy, talk show hose, to me. Her nourished fist GRABS hold of a FISTFUL of small little monopoly hotels. And she SLAMS them in her mouthal cavity.
NO chewing
ONE swallow
(that'is impressive actually...)
"Hotel is closed now for BUSINESS, you swine!" coughs Orange Whitney full of the phlegm. "Welcome IN the O-ZONE layer!!" Large sums of Moponoly CASH disappear in her plentiful pockets. "If you can't BEAT the 1%... BE the 1¾," Oprah gulps.
"That is clear violating the rules, Oprrah," I protest.
"I'll shall VIOLATE your face, snitch as hoe," determines Mothra to me.

HOUR 21, MINUTE 58

Pater Noster, qui es in caelis, sanctificetur nomen tuum. Adveniat regnum tuum. Fiat voluntas tua, sicut in caelo et in terra. Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie, et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris. Et ne nos inducas in tentationem, sed libera nos a malo. Amen.

This is IT. The FINAL turn of this GODLESS Monopoly match. Take me now in your cold embrace Lady Death.

The Mo' nopoly board is STACKED. We are NECK a NECK. I shake trambling my dice-
• if I roll a DOUBLE 1, Oprah wins
• if I roll ANYTHING else, victory Is'll be mine

"SNAKE EEEEYES!!!!!!!!!" epileptic pierces Oprah's vocal chords my bones. "EYES OF THE SNAKE BABY," she violencely thrashes across the room.

I roll the first dice............
.........it IS................

"HECK yes! Give me that first SNAKE EYE down the HOLE!!! One more now, you grubby clown," drunk on pre-mature victory does Euphoria Winfrey. Now for the FINAL COUNTDOWN....

I roll the two SECOND dice......
...........IT ....
.....................IS.....

DR. PHIL

"Oh blast I rolled the DOCTOR PHIL DICE!"
"You mongrel you rolled the DOCTOR PHIL DICE!!" screams explodes Oprah
The DOOR gets fucked off it's HINGES
"Did any one say.... "doctor Phil dice??" sinister bassoons the DOCTOR.
DOCTOR PHILLIPE does enter.
DOTCOR PHIL.
"GET DICED... OR GET SPICED" the doctor veritably ROARS as he brings out the JALAPEÑOS

"No no nó," I beg tearsy, "señir Phil please favor!"

HORA 22, MINUTO 01

At the end of a day, the moral of this story goes such:
"If you CANNOT don't the TIME, don't hate the player. Hate the CRIME. that's comit by the player in the GAME."