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Brooke had no right to feel heartbroken, she choose to befriend Alistair when she know it wasn't the best of times to introduce people into her life. She choose to let him in and she choose to let him invade her senses and her heart. She choose to feel. She had no right to feel like this yet she did.
She felt as if her world has gone silent and colorless at the same time. The ground beneath her feet always feel rickety, shaking and on the verge of a catastrophic earthquake.
The skies above her were constantly gray, too close to raining acid and ruining everything. At night, they were void of stars, they were just dark with no sign of spark or life.
Brooke just isn't really her anymore as she harboured the guilt, the sadness and the fear all on her own. She is slowly being eaten away by her demons.
Her friends were calling but all she could do is decline. They even tried to have a sleepover to make her feel better but it just wasn't working out.
She hadn't told what happened exactly. She didn't have the heart to, she feared reliving it again if she spoke about it. They just figured it had to do with Alistair.
He hadn't been in school for two days. His mom hadn't gone to work either as she took care of her son.
He was a mess, still is. After that discussion happened, he instantly drove home. He called his home as soon as he entered his house.
He didn't want to be alone, he feared that he would do something stupid.
And he just wanted to be held.
He was on the floor next to the front door with his backpack thrown to the side, his keys still hanging outside of the door. He brought his knees to his chest and stared at the ceiling as he felt everything yet nothing at all.
He felt heartbroken, his heart cracked in the middle and then suddenly split open as he heaved. He wasn't really breathing. His chest rose and fell rapidly yet nothing came in or out. He held a fist of his own hair forcing himself to breathe, to calm down. To shut it all down.
Except he didn't do that, instead he screamed, yelled and did so until his voice was gone. It was a cry of pain, of misery as he lost another friend, another piece of his heart, another piece of himself.
Why did it hurt so much? He kept wondering.
He rubbed his chest, making his fist go up and down to make his heart hurt less but it didn't.
His mom pushed the door open looking frantically for her son. As soon as she saw his state, her heart fell on the floor and her breath hitched.
She ran to his side, wrapped her arms around him and pulling his head into her chest.
"Why do they keep leaving me? Why do I always end up alone with a nothing but a broken heart?" His tears fell down and his body shook with the sobs. His mom bit her bottom lip to stop herself from crying too.
"Is there something wrong with me? Am I ever enough? Am ever I helpful, useful?" He bathed in self-loathing as every feeling turned against him.
He hated himself, he hated how worthless and useless he felt. He hated how he looked, how he sounded, he hated who he is yet Brooke was slowly making him realise that he wasn't so bad of a person. And now that's she is gone who is going to help him fall in love with himself?
It was all his fault. His dad's death, his mother's troubles, his own problems and Brooke's leaving. It was his fault because he couldn't help any of them. He can't even help his own self.
"Baby, there is nothing wrong with you, you are enough and you have always been. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and your father. You're the best son anybody could ask for. Don't ever doubt that," His mom patted his back. His tears had slowed down yet his pain wasn't any less and his mom's words, while they were appreciated, it fell on deaf ears.
That day he barely ate, drank or acted as a human being. He laid on his bed, his dog next to him trying his best to cheer his owner up.
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
His mom felt like it was so important for Alistair to attend his therapy session this week, especially after what happened. So she drove him from and to the doctor's office to make sure he was going.
And today wasn't any exception.
"Do you feel any better today, Ali?" He had been coming to the same therapist ever since his dad died. She is a petite, middle-aged woman with short black hair and cat-eye glasses.
"I don't know. The days are blending in together and I honestly can't tell you," He sat on her maroon leather couch that faced her desk.
"But I can tell you that, can you let me back on the driving side of the car, please?" She and his mom agreed that he wasn't stable enough to drive this week and he was getting tired of his mom driving him everywhere. It was also inconvenient and he missed being in his car, it made him feel closer to his father.
"I will, just after I see how you are doing today," She gave him a small smile.
"I'm okay," She raised an eyebrow daring him to lie to her.
"It's just- it still hurts, okay?!" He was frustrated. He wanted to feel better quickly so he could act like he never met Brooke and never had that mental breakdown.
"She made me feel stuff, she made me feel better about myself and I got so used to being around her but now she won't even look at me. I feel betrayed and alone," He looked down at his lap as her image kept popping up in his head.
"And I can't even get her out of my head," He added.
"And the worst part is; I don't know why she left," He felt as he sounded like a kid, complaining about a girl with two pigtails. He felt ridiculous, his cheeks flaming up.
They were just friends, weren't they? Then why it felt so bad. He has lost friends before but it never felt like this. He frowned.
"Why am I so bothered?" He whispered, the therapist almost missed it.
"I think you know why," She said lowly with a sad smile.
Maybe he does.
And even if does, he doesn't want to admit to himself.
