Whenever You Leave

You couldn't have loved me better

He looked at her, eyes filled with tears, lips trembling weakly. “I don’t know,” he says, though she could see it clearly on his face; he knew, he just didn’t know how to tell her.

She felt…hollow. Her voice sounded unfamiliar even to her own ears as she whispered, “It’s okay. I know.” And she did, and it hurt. She knew they had it coming, but it was harder than she had expected. Although she was sad, even though the aching pain in her chest hurt beyond comprehension, she felt somewhat relieved. They had both felt it in their guts – it was over. The relationship was over; they just didn’t know how to make the decision. Saying it out loud was like making it true. After months with crying over, hurting and loving each other – it was finally over. She could’ve jumped off a cliff and that would hurt less, but she didn’t feel so helpless anymore. 

“I miss you,” he said quietly. His shoulders weren’t as tense anymore – it was like he didn’t have the energy to keep fighting. He was simply tired; tired, heartbroken and angry.

Those words made her want to cry. She missed him too – already. He was there, right in front of her, and yet he was so far away. So far out of her reach. “I m-miss you too,” she answered breathlessly. She couldn’t find her voice, the words seemed to be stuck in her throat. The huge lump there blocking their way. 

His dark gaze bore into her, and already, she could see the change in them. They weren’t bitter anymore. The animosity that had clouded them for months was completely gone, like it had never been there in the first place. 

It was as if someone punched a hole through her chest. Just when the wound started healing, it happened again, and again, and again. It went on for months. That’s why they needed to end it – make it stop. They couldn’t hurt anymore. They couldn’t look at the other with so much anger when they in reality loved each other more than anything. She wanted it to stop, because she didn’t want to cry anymore – so why did it hurt so much? They had both gotten what they wanted, so why did it feel like this punch was ten times worse than the others? It was supposed to get better.

Suddenly, and completely unexpectedly, he stepped closer, and caught her in his arms. She melted into his warm, soft chest. They found comfort in the close embrace they shared, but the aching pain was growing. The fear of losing and missing him gnawed inside of her, slowly eating her inside out. A teardrop ran down his cheek, wetting her temple.

“I’m…I’m just –“ He stopped, not able to find the words. His feelings were having an internal battle. He was angry. Angry at her, because she wouldn’t fight for it. Angry at their parents, who had done nothing to help them fix their relationship. Angry at their friends, who claimed that it was for the better. And most of all, angry at himself because he couldn’t do more to make her stay. Hating himself because he didn’t want to fix it anymore.

And above all, he was regretful. As he held her in his arms, maybe for the last time, he knew that this was a decision he was going to regret forever. Regretting letting her go – regretting letting her give up on them. But he couldn’t take it back. He didn’t even have to say something; she knew it, and he knew it. It was over. They were over.

She glanced up at him carefully. His strong jaw was clenched, his eyes blinking, and she knew he had made up his mind. As much as it hurt to admit it – she had too. They had both realized this months ago.

Her heart broke. Without a warning, her whole body started shaking uncontrollably. She quickly tried to protect herself, but his arms tightened around her, as if he knew that if he didn’t hold her tight enough, she would fall apart.

The tears started falling. Whether it was his or hers, they didn’t know. I miss you already, she wanted to tell him. I know I have to let you go, but it hurts, and I don’t know how I’m going to make it through.

I miss you, he wanted to tell her. I know it’s the right thing to do, but it hurts so much, and I don’t know if I’m going to make it through.

Reluctantly, she pulled away from him. With a fake smile plastered on her face, she stared into his dark eyes and tried to tell him what she needed to say. He was so close to her, but she knew their hearts were drifting away. To another place, far away from each other. She knew that her heart was leaving her. It would be a long journey – maybe it would take months, even years before her heart found the place where it belonged. She had thought that it would stay with him forever, but things never really turned out the way you expected it to. Now she needed to give her fragile heart a break, let it heal, and let it figure out of her feelings for her.

She wanted his heart to heal too. She wanted him to be happy. He had given her so much happiness, so much more love and joy than she could’ve ever wanted. And she was happy – happy and devastated. They had both given each other all they could give, but it wasn’t enough.

Even though things didn’t work out between them in the end, he deserved to find his other half. It wasn’t her, and although knowing that hurt more than anything, she wanted him to let his heart find the place where it belonged.

Even if it didn’t belong with her.

Looking at you makes it harder

But I know that you'll find another

That doesn't always make you wanna cry

Started with a perfect kiss

Then we could feel the poison set in

Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so

I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know

That it doesn't matter

Where we take this road

Someone's gotta go

And I want you to know

You couldn't have loved me better

But I want you to move on

So I'm already gone