i'm sorry | ethan dolan

sat scores

chapter twenty four 
——ethan's pov
november 11th, 2019

the day i had been dreading was already here. sat score day. i wished i was one of those kids whose parents were so busy they had no idea when these things were happening, but i wasn't. my mother'd had it circled on the calendar for weeks, even before our big baby announcement. ever since i'd told my parents kylie was giving the baby up for adoption, they'd chilled out on the safe sex and responsibility lectures and i'd been allowed to hang out with my friends again, but that just meant they were back to focusing on college and my probable failure. so i wasn't surprised that my mom was waiting for me the second i got home from our latest game—we'd pulled a win out of our asses and were now going to the district semifinals, no thanks to me and my two left feet. she was standing in the doorway between the foyer and the kitchen, the family computer screen glowing behind her.

"i've already got the website booted up," she said, clinging to her coffee mug.
"can i get something to eat first?" i asked, putting my duffel bag and backpack down on the floor. we won, by the way, thanks for asking, i wanted to add, but didn't. my mom had never been much for what she called "back talk" and these days, it made her nuts.
i hoped whoever my baby's parents ended up being, they would be cooler than mine.

"it'll take thirty seconds, ethan," she said, turning sideways to let me through the doorway. "let's just get it over with."
"fine," i said with a huge sigh.
i tromped past her and over to the computer, flopping down into the chair, which was four inches too high for me. my knees hit the granite topped desk, and i reached over to lower the seat. the chair let out a hiss as i dropped down. my mother put her cup down and pushed up the baggy sleeves of her even baggier gray sweater. her diamond bracelets clicked together as she leaned over my shoulder and pressed her hand into the desk next to the mouse pad.

i so didn't want to do this with her here. this past summer i'd had an sat tutor, and my last couple of practice tests had been pretty good. my mom was so excited about those scores that she actually started looking at me differently. like she was proud of me for something other than sports. i knew that i was about to let her down big time.

or maybe not. maybe kylie was right and miracles do happen. maybe some of what i'd learned over the summer had made its way onto the test sheet without me realizing.
"what are you waiting for?" my mother said.
a time machine? i thought. maybe my future self was about to come back to rescue me from this moment. of course if he was gonna do that, i could think of some other big moments he could've saved me from first.

i slowly typed in my password and hit enter. our mac lived up to the high speed hype. i hadn't even blinked before my numbers were right there on the screen. my low numbers. my just as low as last spring's ass numbers. my heart dropped so fast i slumped a little. fuck. fuck, fuck, fuck. it was even worse than i'd thought. now i was hoping that whatever the baby got of mine, it didn't get my useless brain.

"oh my god," my mother said. she stood up straight, put one hand over her mouth and the other on the kitchen island, and stared at the screen. "oh my god, ethan."
"mom, it's not that bad," i said lamely.
her eyes got scary big. "not that bad? are you seeing something here that i'm not seeing?"

"i could get into a state school," i hedged, spinning the seat only halfway around so i wouldn't have to face her completely. "or maybe i could get a sports scholarship."
"a scholarship? you haven't scored a dang goal all season, ethan!" my mother said, raising her palms.
oh, so she was paying attention. joy.

"what about swimming? and lacrosse?" i said.
"great! that's just great! let's wait until may and just see what happens!" my mother ranted, pacing around to the other side of the island. "what happened to you, ethan? you were doing so well this summer!"
"i'm sorry, okay!?" i snapped, shoving myself out of the chair. "i kind of had a lot of things on my mind that day."

the color drained out of her face as she braced her hands on the countertop. "things? like kylie owens?"
"yes, like kylie owens," i replied. "like kylie owens and the baby."
she hadn't said the word 'baby' once since finding out. she just called it 'it' the few times she talked about it.

"well, that's just fantastic!" she shouted, throwing her hands up. "i hope you're proud of yourself, ethan, because you can forget about college now."
i opened my mouth to respond. because lots of people went to school with scores like mine. they just didn't go to schools like fordham, where my dad had gone. where my parents wanted me to go. at least grayson could live up to their expectations. but i couldn't get a word in. my mother was on a tear.

"you can forget about playing college sports, you can forget about getting a good job. you threw away your entire future just because you couldn't keep it in your pants!"

my jaw dropped open. even my mother looked stunned. i couldn't believe she'd just said that. my mother got uncomfortable when characters in movies started undressing. she recovered herself quickly, though, and looked me in the eye. "go to your room!" she shouted. "you're grounded until further notice."

"but mom—"
i'd just gotten ungrounded.
"go!" she practically screeched, pointing toward the stairs behind me. i rolled my eyes, but turned around and went. i didn't want to be anywhere near her anymore anyway. i snatched my bags off the floor of the foyer and took the stairs three at a time to my room, where i slammed the door as hard as i could. then i flung both bags at the wall and let them drop with a thud. standing in the center of my room, i tried to regulate my breathing. i tried to tell myself everything would be okay. that it would work itself out somehow. but one thought kept repeating itself in my mind.

just because i couldn't keep it in my pants.
just because i couldn't keep it in my pants.

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teaser: they perform the play and ethan messes up, really badly.
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i love you all<3
[1160 words]
-m
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