The Worth of Tears

Chapter 2 (excerpt)

Battles consume us. In our thoughts, in our actions and hearts, battles take more precedence than we could imagine. We judge, like, dislike, love, hate and make choices, some good, some bad. This constant battle we tread all our lives dictates who we are and therefore our legacy and fate. We fight so greatly. In the end, we realize our greatest enemy was our self.

Benjamin began his first year of college and Maura, and I felt a little lonely at first. We didn't hear his loud music playing from his room or him and his friends shouting and laughing as they played their video games. The house felt a lot more empty. We were still keeping our family rituals, but now it was a little different because Benjamin wasn't living with us. I guess I was feeling kind of bored with life. I wasn't sure why but it was making me a little depressed, and I just laughed at the notion, though I could feel myself becoming distant. My distance wasn't only with Maura but with my friends and coworkers. I kept thinking maybe it had nothing at all to do with Ben but with myself. Perhaps it had something to do with my childhood and the absence of my father, or I was just plain being foolish and too much in my head. It's possible.

    One day at work I was having lunch in the cafeteria, and I could feel someone watching me. I didn't pay much attention because there are always so many people around you in a hospital and it's what people do, stare. I finished up my lunch and got up to put my tray back, and I could see it was a younger woman probably in about her late 20's that had been looking in my direction. She was sitting with some of our nursing staff, so I figured she was new because I had never seen her before. She was a beautiful, blonde hair girl with dark blue eyes. Her jawline look chiseled like the models looked in the magazines and had those high cheekbones that made her seem like she had some enhancement to her face even though I could tell she didn't. She just gave a friendly smile as I walked by. It made me a little uncomfortable, and I didn't know why. It should be a compliment, but I think maybe I felt guilty for finding her very attractive. I paid no mind and went about my day. A few months passed, and I would see her walking down the hall now and then, and we would say hi to one another just as most employees did walking down the hallways.

    There came a day that we shared a mutual patient. I asked her how the patient was doing and we walked into the patient's room and spoke with him and his family reassuring them he was progressing well and that he would be able to be discharged within two to three days. His wife and siblings thanked us, and we walked back to our desk. So how long have you been working here, I asked her as I typed up my patient notes in the computer. I just started here a few months ago. I moved here from Oklahoma. Very cool, I said. What made you move here? I have a friend who's also a nurse here. She doesn't work here at this hospital, but she loves it here and has been begging me to come live here. I came from a smaller town and was feeling bored so figured why not. Absolutely, I told her.  I always tell my son that as sad as I would be to see him move out of state if it's for the best and makes him happy then I would never hold him back. How old is your son? 19, I said. And what's he going to school for? She asked as she also typed away on her computer. It's still between an M.D. like me or Information Technology. So completely different. I said. We both laughed. I finished up what I had to and told her it was nice meeting her and went on with my business.

    It's funny and sad all at the same time how quickly and vastly life can change in one single moment, with just an individual decision. Sienna, the new nurse I had met, had become more than a coworker and a friend to me. One night after work I went out with a few of the neuro docs for a few drinks. We were sitting at the table telling jokes and talking sports when in walked Sienna. She walked in with another girl that looked like they could be sisters and she saw me and ran over with excitement. She had a spunky, excited attitude about her. She gave me a big, unexpected hug and it made me happy. Maura gave me attention, but this felt like the different attention I was longing for, or so I thought. My colleagues left and went home, her friend left as well, and it was just the two of us there.