Addiction//Billie Eilish

Mug

       I've always questioned my sexuality. A lot of people ask me if I am bisexual or lesbian. Usually I fuck with them and say i'm a guy, not that I look like one.

     My go to outfit changes everyday. When I am feeling more comfortable with my feelings I wear baggy pants and some flannel with chains that just screams "i'll steal your man and your girl". My personality is usually a dead give away too. I am more manly and "vulgar" than the normal female. I don't really give a flying fuck about if I embarrass myself. People can think what they want, I'm only hear to live my life without worrying about what people think about me.

       When I meant Claudia in high school we instantly clicked. I was the althletic, tom boy that hung with the dumb fucks we call the football team. She was the makeup guru who's second life was being the varsity sprint teams captain for 3 consecutive years. She caught my eye and I caught hers. Now, I would never admit this to her but I did feel something at first. Crush like?

        However I never paid to much attention because the heteronormativity in my house was suffocating. It's easier to live with yourself if you don't own up to your own feelings. Well I thought this at least. After many nights of screaming, crying, silence and the aching fear in my stomach I came true to myself. I have feelings towards girls whether I like it or not. To take my mind off of it I started playing around with music. Over the span of 2 years I learned the guitar, ukulele, drums, piano and how to remix. My mom paid for my classes as my christmas presents. Of course some of my "classes" were just make out sessions with Zach down the street.

     Many people see me as the person who doesn't give a fuck about what anyone thinks and i'm glad, that was sort of the whole point. It's all true. But how I see myself as a person is a whole different story. I'm not one to show fear but i'm scared. I'm terrified actually. I don't have exactly one reason but I'm scared to love a woman. But I won't have to worry about that anytime soon. I've tried to bury my old gay ways with my remixes. Just to make my life a tiny bit easier. It not only made it easier but also opened many opportunities. Through a school program I was able to make connections with many big producers. One of them took me under his wing and taught me everything I needed to know.

           Time skip a year and i've released 7 1# hot billboard tracks with my beats and remixes. of course with the help of my amazing rappers and singers. I made a name for myself but I always laid low, not wanting to deal with all the attention it brought. I received many dms of people wanting to get it touch and some of some fans wanting to "plug it in". I enjoyed confusing people with my sexuality on my instagram. But in the end I just confused myself.

        I told Claudia that I think i'm straight last year. I felt as if other people thought so it would be easier to convince myself that I was. Obviously I know of my attraction towards females. I have made out with many track and field, cheer leading and popular girls. Earning myself the nickname "Top" which hints at my dominance and corresponds with my last name of Topaz. Claudia likes to tease me with it till this day.

          Speaking of Claudia she was supposed to have my tea by my bed 5 minutes ago like the nice peasant she is. I rip the covers off as the cool air attacks my legs. I swing my legs over the bed and lower my feet to the ground. My left foot is met with scorching water as my foot steps into a mug. I inhale deeply and my face scrunch's up in pain.

         "oH FUCK ME" I screech as I topple over. shattering the mug with my weight. I grab anything to slow my fall and end up bring my whole side table with me. Everything lands on top of me as I feel pain everywhere. I groan as I lift my head off the floor. Shards of mug are everywhere including inside my motherfucking foot. I glare at the stupid mug.

           "Fuck you mug, eat my ass" I whisper to it. I rest my head on the ground as the last events repeat in my head. My head shoots up and I stare back at the mug. "Who brought you, fucker?" I interrogate. Obviously Claudia.

         "Claudia, help! I'm dying" I scream into the floor as I fake gasp for breath. The door flys open as my eyes meet an unimpressed Claudia.

        "Top, I put the mug there like you ask me to and you manage to rip apart your room. Very slick" her annoyed expression morphs into a very entertained one. "Probably a good time to tell you we have company" I raise an eyebrow. Company? Impossible. I have no friends. A ginger haired elf looking man pops his head into the doorway. He chuckles nervously and waves at me.

       "Hi, I'm Finneas, I am a producer and I came here after we discussed collating on some work on instagram." Ohhh. That guy! I smile as I lay on the ground fixing my arm to hold my head up. I nod as an hello.

        "What's up" I say acting like I wasn't laying on the ground covered my random crap and a shard of mug in my foot. "Make yourself comfortable, I have to fix my major fuck up." His eyebrows knit together in concern.

          "Are you sure? We can come by another time, we don't live too far away." He says.

          "Oh really? Where do you live, not to be creepy or anything" Claudia asks. They start their own conversation completely ignoring my withering in parish. I noticed Claudia rambling and turning red and Finneas does the same. Aw cuteee she has a crush. Wait. We?

          "Is there someone with you?" I ask

          "Oh yeah! I forgot to introduce you to Billie!" He says and he calls for Billie. Ew anyone with the name Billie is bound to be an old man.

           "Oh you don't have to bring him in, I'm still in a situation" I say silently urging him to not call an old man to my room. This 23 year old wants some privacy. He shrugs my comment off and he further ushers Billie to my room. Fuck me bruh. I eye Claudia in anger.

              My anger was soon gone when a small figure popped into the door frame. Finneas smiles.

           "This is my sister, Billie" He says introducing her. She says nothing as her eyes trail over my situation. I feel intimidated. I am aware I look like an idiot I just didn't really care until now for some reason. A smile reaches her face as she shoves her hands into her pockets. Now really fuck me bruh. I scold my inner gay. I swallow my pride

           "H-Hey" I say with my arm still holding up my head and cursing at myself for stammering.
           "What a view" she states. Her smile cracks even more and her and Finneas exchange glances. They both start laughing as Claudia looks down at me in disappointment. Billie stares at me while laughing. Studying my face. Wee Woo, suddenly self conscious. Her eyes stop at my foot that's peeking out from under the pile of rubbish. Her face  turns more serious.
            "Bro, did you know your foots sliced open?" I look down at my foot to see that it is not accompanied by a puddle of blood. No I didn't.

        "Psh, of course I did" I wave it off. Billie doesn't look satisfied.
         "Claudia can you show Finneas where the bandages are?" She asks giving Finneas a knowing look. Claudia nods. "Ill help out, Top." oHMYGOD. Claudia pauses and immediately bursts out laughing. Billie in Finneas show confused faces. I on the other hand am DYING FROM EMBARRASSMENT. Since Claudia can't catch her breath I decided to suck it up and tell them.

         "My names actually Athena, Claudia calls me Top because of, um, my experiences in the bedroom" I cringe at my words. That was the most awkward way to phrase it. Finneas laughs as Billie smirks and starts to speak.

        "I doubt you'll need that nickname any longer."

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1447 words!! Fucking wattpad deleted everything and I had to rewrite everything which had me rOLLING but it's aight. Anyway drop a comment and vote please because I literally squeal of happiness when I see one. tHANK YOU