2018 Writing Scrapbook

The Devil

Note: This story was written as a Christmas present for classmates Harry and Jay. 

It was the year of 2019. The year that the world changed. The year that every theory of the apocalypse dominated North America. It was the year that North Korea nuked America, and the year when Hillary Clinton was hailed as "Queen of the United States", and Donald Trump became her king.

After a fierce internet battle once the idea of a border wall was approved by a few ill-minded Republicans (who were shortly afterward diagnosed with a severe case of "straight white male"ism and were hospitalized in an insane asylum a short ways past Nantucket), it was clear that Trump and Clinton would never mend their broken fences. Unfortunately for them, their deprivation of brain cells due to countless years of stump speeches and lobbyist favors caused their rage to gain quite a bit of media attention.

So as the Mexicans protested violently at the border, Trump was facing a more pressing matter at hand: Every reporter wanted intel on the horrific accounts of "Crooked Hillary", and he was determined to get this story right! The fake news would not be able to turn this story on top of him! Speech after incomprehensible speech was made on the floors of D.C., and in the events causing his face to turn orange with anger, he didn't notice the rumors floating around in the Senate.

"Kim Jong Un... he made a deal with Putin and Trump... Did you not hear?" The whispers circulated throughout the Senate and then the House. "He's going back on his deal... Doesn't think that the US can protect North Korea with a war with Mexico on the way. The Trump administration has failed him."

It was no surprise to them when through the boisterous crackling of his voice, Trump missed the threats from Korea, their countdown to Armageddon. So in the balmy days of July, all hell broke out. It was Los Angeles first that was roasted and ascended into a mushroom cloud, and then Chicago. The people of California and Illinois suffered severe radiation poisoning for decades to come, the only cure coming from the minds of the newly transformed Republicans-turned-Democrats off the island of Nantucket. (It was within this asylum that they discovered a medicinal herb unknown to mankind before, and their delusion had caused them to believe it holds the key to enforcing the second amendment for all eternity; their task was to return it to their party leader upon release)

As the country fell into anarchy and Mexicans stormed over the borders only to prove to the "straight white male"istic community that they were wrong for all eternity by only proving them right in stealing every job left during the nuclear warfare, Trump decided to escape to his golf course in Scotland. It was there that every enemy of his, or at least those that could afford European airfare, cornered him. The residents of Scotland still weren't thrilled with his previous actions and drove him out of his resort, and straight into the hands of Putin.

He screamed and begged, but Putin calmly said, "The missiles will stop and all will be safe if you do one thing for me."

"Anything! Anything!"

"The United States is to become a monarchy. You shall rule it, don't worry. But you will have a Королева," he began.

"Come again?"

"A Королева! A queen!"

"Who?"

"Clinton. Queen Hillary Clinton of the United States of America."

He shook his head and flailed around, but it was no use to escape from the grasp of the secret agents Putin had taken along with him. "Fine! Fine!"

The country was quite divided over the situation- about one-third of the population made a mad dash to any boat or plane taking them away from the country. A great influx of immigrants arrived in Canada that year who subsequently froze to death as they had accidentally done a u-turn in the Atlantic and ended up in Nunavut instead of England. Another third decided to risk the travel down to Mexico, where they were beaten by all of the angry citizens and thrown into Mayan sacrificial sinkholes. A few brave John Denver fans decided to obtain their pilot's license, but upon their departure within their aircraft, they met the same deadly fate.

The remaining citizens were forced to stay, though, and succumb to the new rulings of Hillary and Trump. You see, after the rigged election, the Russians had realized that their calculations had been far off. In their long-term projection, they received data from their secret probe on Mars that the secret to world domination had been found- a team bonding between Hillary and Donald. The answer wasn't just Trump, but it was both! It was only after a convincing promise from Putin that he would receive a large margin of profits from data censorship on the future Martian colonies that Kim Jong Un agreed to be in on the plan, but after that, they were inseparable.

The wedding and coronation were broadcast as the most widely televised events in human history, the headlines read: "Mr. and Mrs. Crooked Cheeto Puff are Hailed as the World Superpower's Monarchs! Does this Mean that the World is Ending?" Thankfully, the wars ended and Europe stared onwards as they all adopted the Swiss ways of neutrality and ridiculed America instead.

As years passed on, there was a quiet loudness in the world. Trump was scarred by his wife, and Clinton was scarred by the subsequent merging of the Republican and Democrat parties to form one single party- the "Straight white male" Opposition Party, or the SWMO, which brought about a great deal of non-monarchial endorsed summits and eventually global prosperity.

After all of this, the world continued to suffer, and in the grand scheme of things, nothing truly changed, except for the hundreds of lost generations that were never in existence due to nuclear warfare and the lasting impact that it had on the environment. When the day quickly came that Hillary and Trump departed this earth, they descended to the right hand of Satan and were shown how to judge the living and the dead.