brave//5SOS

21

Emily

I didn't know if I was frustrated, anxious, terrified or stressed. Whatever it was filled my stomach with a zoo of butterflies.

Swirling, twisting, punching my stomach- it was starting again. The needles, the sickness, the sobbing. Hair loss, weight loss, energy loss.

Until 11, I'd waited in Luke's office but then I had to take the dreaded walk down to Ashton. I felt so alone in the situation.

There was no one to hold my hand.

Tom had come over and let me cry on his shoulder, promising to visit whenever he could, but he did a lot of things at school and it wasn't possible.

I crashed into a body, almost falling over.

"Emily, why have you gone past our room?" Michael laughed, swinging his arm round my shoulder and leading me back.

"I wasn't thinking, well I was just... not about where I was going,"

"Emily! For a moment we thought you'd got lost," Ashton said as I walked into the room, being held in a tight hug.

"She did," Michael sniggered, sending me a smirk.

"I did not, I'm here now anyway," I grumbled, hugging Ashton tighter as he went to let go.

"Alright, put your wonderful gown on and take everything but your shorts off," Calum said, everyone getting up and walking into Ashton's office.

I got changed and looked at myself in my phone camera. Before we'd even started, I looked sick and frail. Soon I'd be shaving off all my hair and everything would just go back to how it was.

I guess, everything would go back to normal.

"Are you done?"

"Yeah,"

I sat on the bed as they opened the door, everyone washing their hands and putting gloves on.

Calum checked my vitals, weighed and measured my height as well as checking for any signs of infection, before saying we were good to go.

It was the routine. Treat me like a doll, test how much I can take, pump me with toxic chemicals in hope that something would happen.

Brutal, but the truth.

"Ok Emily, we need to numb your back and the rest of it is super easy for you... afterwards you can sleep,"

They laid me on my side, Michael tightly holding my hand as they numbed me. Having a shot in the back was unusual and it took everything in me not to jump away.

As they said, it was easy from there on. Boring, but easy and I didn't feel sick.

"You have to lay on your back for a few hours now, I'm putting you on fluids because it will help the headache if you get one,"

I looked up at him and smiled lightly instead of speaking. I was too numb to speak. Part of me didn't even want to fight.

Calum sat down, kissing my hand and rubbing it until I fell asleep. It was all I could do.

That was the routine for the next month. My hair was thinning, I was starting to be sick after the chemo, my mouth was sore and I felt useless.

I stood in front of Ashton, a shaver in his hand.

"Are you ready?"

"Ask me in a thousand years and I'll still say no," I said, closing my eyes.

Knowing I wouldn't say anymore, he started shaving my head. My hair hadn't had much time to grow back anyway but I'd made a lot of progress since last time. I felt like I was wasting it all.

Most nights I was in hospital, and seeing Luke was becoming more and more difficult. Doing anything was difficult- some nights I couldn't breathe on my own.

I couldn't breathe on my own.

I looked in the mirror and I wanted to cry. Everyone else was so strong and didn't let it effect them, but the third time round... it was like a joke.

"You are a true fighter hun, I couldn't do what you've done once," Ash said, kissing my forehead and leading me back to the room. I felt awful.

"I don't feel too good, it's getting worse,"

"What's feeling worse?" he asked, putting on some new gloves.

"Sore throat, mouth, stomach, ear... my chest feels tight. I'm a literal mess,"

"That's not true, can I check to see why you might feel like that?"

I nodded.

He checked my ears and throat, took my temperature and checked my breathing- nothing was infected. I had the symptoms but where from?

"Can you open your mouth for me?"

"No, it hurts,"

"Can Luke look? How bad is it hurting?"

"A lot, I have so many ulcers and I haven't brushed my teeth properly for like 3 weeks," I mumbled, looking down.

"Emily, you can't do that," he said, holding my hand.

"I'm sorry, everything hurts and I feel so sick," I sighed, squeezing his hand tightly.

Calum came into the room, smiling sadly when he saw me.

"Alright, I don't need that much pity," I joked, even though I sounded numb.

"Sorry, how are you feeling?" he asked, washing his hands and coming over.

"I think she has an infection, we need Luke because the only possible place left is her mouth and she won't let me look," Ashton teased, handing me a tissue as my nose ran. Calum shook his head and grinned, leaning back on his chair.

"When can I see Tom?" I mumbled, also leaning back.

"Once you're better, it's all a lot lately and I know you want to see him and talk to him because he isn't a doctor, but I promise you will see him soon. Michael's been trying to sort out a face time" Ashton's said.

"I can't decide whether seeing him and going to school is my normal, or if this is my normal,"

"Babygirl,"

"I don't feel well,"

"I know, we'll get you sorted sweetheart,"

I frowned and sighed, looking at Michael who walked in. He smiled at me- not a sorry smile, a genuine smile- and sat at the computer.

"You look miserable, I don't know what you're talking about but I do know that Tom has been begging me to FaceTime you so... do you want to?"