The Four Seasons of Michael (Princess Diaries Fanfic)

February (3) Home - Part II

The moment I saw her, I knew she was all too aware of me knowing about the website. She knew I was standing there, watching her carefully, but she didn't even glance in my direction. She was unbuttoning her coat, slowly hanging it, trying to prolong what was inevitably happening for every second she possibly could.

I had been around when Lilly was at her worst. A revengeful fury she had been on those occasions, the true drama queen, brave – or careless - enough to face whoever was in her mind doing her wrong. Assertiveness was never a problem with her – she stood up for herself, defending herself even when it was obvious she was the one making mistakes.

Frankly, I had never seen her like this, afraid, beaten, almost ashamed of herself.

I crossed my arms. Whatever she was feeling about it now, it didn't make it okay. It didn't make me any less angry.

She was the first to speak up.

"So, you are home," she said, looking at her hands. "Mom's really psyched about it. Beware, though, I doubt she'll let you leave on Sunday."

"Yeah," I felt the impatience rising in me. "Lilly, we need to talk."

"Look, Michael, I am sorry, alright?" she exclaimed then, but there was a complete absence of any emotion in her voice. She didn't seem sorry – she didn't even sound angry about my bringing it up.

"What were you thinking?!" I heard myself screaming. I knew it was wrong, raising my voice like this, but emotions once again got the better of me. Suddenly the whole weight of my sister's action was upon me, a million little things it could result in. The carousel of uncertainty, run by my demons, was in full swing again, driving me insane.

"I was just really, really angry, alright?!" she yelled back me.

"And how do you think I was feeling? Don't you think the whole situation was slightly worse for me than it was for you? And yet I didn't go around creating a hateful website about her! Do you have any fucking idea what this could do to her, Lilly?"

"Wanna know what I think, Michael? I think nobody sees ME in this whole fucking mess!" she yelled. "You all go around saying how difficult it was for you and her, but no one ever considers how everything affected me! You think you are the only one losing someone? You think you are this huge victim because you moved to Japan and will be away for so long from your family? Well, what about me, huh? Did you ever wonder about me? I had to witness my brother getting his heart broken, a day before leaving for Japan! My only brother moving to fucking JAPAN for a YEAR! You think it was easy for me? You think it was easy for Mom and Dad? All they think about is how Michael is doing, you are what they talk about with their friends, not me. And I get good grades, my show is getting more recognized, and yet they don't even see me! All they see is you, and you are not even here! But, alright, sibling rivalry, that's not a big deal, huh? Well, what about my own BOYFRIEND breaking up with me practically the moment you left? Leaving me because ... because he liked someone else? Someone, as in, my best friend, my brother's girlfriend, the girl responsible for my brother's leaving? You might have lost your girlfriend, Michael, but I lost my brother, my boyfriend and my fucking best friend in a DAY! Do you know how it feels, losing everything all at once? Or are you too, like everyone else, too preoccupied with yourself to even think about me?"

I witnessed Lilly's outburst before, but never had they been this justified, this real, this honest. It stunned me, making feel guilty. She was right, of course. Never have I wondered how she was doing, how she was dealing with my leaving and everything it had brought along. Of course I could find comfort in knowing Lilly had never been good at showing her true emotions, preferring to hide them behind the opposite of what she was really feeling. She never liked to appear weak, and it was her way of protecting herself. But reality, it more often than not made the situation worse, distancing her from others, only exaggerating the problem. Over the years, she mastered the art of suppressing her true emotions to the extent nobody ever doubted in her performance. Clearly no one wondered how my leaving affected her – she didn't even give anyone a chance to consider it, seeing how angry she was at everyone.