Topping the Jock

Chapter Seven

A.N. Behold, the glorious Blake Lively (another Gossip Girl actor - as you can tell, I love Gossip Girl, I have to shove someone from the cast in all of my books, sorry). She's playing Sage Bloemdorf, who we met last chapter. I hope you guys liked her.

CHAPTER SEVEN - REMY'S DARLING P.O.V

"I feel sorry for you, man," Oli admitted, sitting down on the edge of Jaspar's bed beside me.

"You should, Remy's life is so shit," Jaspar perked in.

"But at least you were assigned a partner that actually does the work," Oli said, once I'd told them about being assigned Milo's partner.

"What do you mean?" I asked him.

"Mr. Guthrie must have especially hated me today, he gave me that walking Mexican elephant, Georgina Velasquez. Face full of acne, body wobbling with flab, and more muscle than your average sumo-wrestler. She came up to me and threatened me to get at least a B on our To Kill A Mockingbird assignment. She's a horrible, ugly, useless, foul-mouthed bitch," Oli moaned.

"You have a way with words, I'll give you that," I sassed at him, tossing him one of my overjoyed smiles.

Oliver and I were, at the best of times, complete polar opposites. I was quick-witted and jolly almost all the time, whereas he was one of those loner, brooding, leave-me-the-Hell-alone-or-I'll-cut-you-and-then-cut-myself-when-really-all-I-want-is-a-friend kind of guys.

"And your British accent makes everything you say sound like you're some kind of posh-totty, rich-as-fuck, disgustingly arrogant and self-preserved piece of polished shit. And what is the point of a polished shit? No matter how much you polish it, it'll always be shit. And that's what you are, that's what I think of when you speak." He nodded at me as he finished, and even though he was spewing wild and completely true insults at me, I still felt the need to smile at him.

Before I could retaliate, Jaspar sneaked back into his bedroom, closing the door behind him as quietly as he could. "Could you guys keep it down? My dad's only downstairs, he doesn't know I have company."

"Then maybe he should let you have company, instead of thinking your giving blowjobs and your anal virginity to every male friend you have, especially when you're only doing that sort of stuff with me. Or are we missing something out here? Do you have others? Are you cheating on me? What's his name?!" I whispered, causing the two of them to give me the most deadly glares I'd ever seen.

"You're not funny," they said in unison.

These two were the dynamic duo of all things unfunny. They had absolutely no sense in humour, which always lead me to believe that they'd make the most perfect homosexual couple in town. They were the sourest, bitterest fruits on the tree, they were like lemon and lime, bittersweet and annoying. And, of course, perfect together.

I smiled as I remembered the first time I tried to hook the two of them up, it was probably about a week after I'd met them. I made plans to go to the cinema with them, but quit at last minute and left the two of them to go alone.Then I sneaked in behind them and idly watched as they sat side-by-side in the cinema, both eyes glued to Julia Roberts' as she tackled a drunken Meryl Streep to the floor.

Needless to say, that was only the first of many sadly unsuccessful attempts, so I stopped bothering. It clearly wasn't going to happen, but it was fun to make the jokes nonetheless.

"Come on," I insisted, standing up off of Jaspar's bed to plea with them, "that was comedic gold. I'm funny. You just don't understand the pure comic relief I provide, free of charge and 100% Remylicious. You two are just the most boring people I've ever met, why am I still friends with you?"