What is Love?

Chapter 2

Compared to the first 12 or so years of my life, the years since then have been no where near as bad. Besides the linger memories or the way I am now because of my experiences, there is nothing making me look back at that time.

I was in 2 other foster homes after that and they were much better than the last one.  It had gotten out that the one boy had been abusive.  It's in my record and everything, so it's not something that is just going away.

My third foster home was really nice.  The couple was really understanding of my situation.  They ran an all-girls foster home.  For about a year after leaving those boys I was still pretty nervous around slightly older boys. They were the ones who really encouraged me to keep dancing.  It was the first foster home where I really felt good about things.  There weren't really that many adoption opportunities, but I'd gotten used to the rejection by this point, but I still hadn't given up hope.  I stayed dedicated to school and was usually around the top of my class.

My dancing turned into more of an obsession.  My foster parents really wanted me to find something that made me happy and dancing was it.  I was dancing 2 to 3 hours each day at one of the best studios in the state and even being an assistant teacher for the younger girls.  My foster parents were very supportive of me continuing my dance career and encouraged me to compete and keep improving.  I owe all my dance success to them.  I truly felt that with this foster home everyone had really tried to find one that had everything I would need. 

I made friends,  lots of friends.  I became friends with the other foster kids, with the other dancers at the studio, and with the students at my school.  It really seemed that all of my life was coming together. I had really hoped that my foster family would have decided to adopt me themselves, but it didn't happen. I had hoped that someone would Love me, but it didn't happen.  It never happens to me.

It was the first time that I really was sad to be leaving a foster home.

Kathy and Robert, my foster parents, sat me down one night after I got home from dance. 

"You know that we care about you" Kathy said and I nodded my head. "Which is why we have to tell you this"

"We have enjoyed having you with us the past years, but we've decided to stop being foster parents.  It's been a lot for us and we're getting older.  We want to retire and get a small house somewhere in the mountains and just spend time together." Robert said.

"It's nothing you have done" Kathy quickly said, "but we've looked around to find a foster home around here so that your dancing and school don't have to change again." I felt relieved at this, if they had put thought into how I was gonna be afterwards, this would be fine.

"The family we found" Robert continued on, "are first time foster parents.  We've talked to them about you and they're very excited for you to live with them.  All of us have a good feeling that you'll stay with them until you become 18 and can choose to do what you want"

I would have to say that with Kathy and Robert, it is the closest that I've ever come to being Loved.  I know that they did everything because it was best for me and I couldn't ask for it to be any different.

My final foster home, where I stayed from when I was 15 until I turned 18, was different from the other foster homes I'd stayed in before. First off it was different because I was the only foster child and it was their first time being foster parents.  Secondly I was still able to go to the same school and same dance studio.  It was the first time I was able to go to the same things for over 5 years.  I was almost able to feel like  normal person.  Thirdly, and I don't know if it's most important or least important, my foster parents had a lot of money, so they could easily provide for me.  All of the other ones had an okay amount of money, or were living check to check from Child Services.

My foster parents Terry and Marty were so kind to me.  They really pushed me to go for what I wanted.  They bought me a smart phone and then a car when I turned 16 and paid for all of it for me.  They continued to encourage my dancing dreams.  They let me dance as much as I wanted to and were always so supportive of my competing.  They gladly helped me with applying to and visiting colleges.  They really wanted me to find some place that I really wanted. They always told me that I was the reason they wanted to keep fostering kids, they wanted to make a difference in their lives.  I had shown them that just because someone was a foster kid didn't mean that they had to have problems, that they were normal too if they were given the chance.  But they still only saw me as a charity case to help, something they could do to make themselves feel like better people.  They never Loved me, even though it's probably the closest I've ever felt to being Loved.  Foster parents usually weren't as close to their fosterkids after they turned 14, it was the little kids that they Loved and adored.

It was the night before my high school graduation when they sat me down to talk.

"Now Kathryn," Terry started "we want you to know that we are always here for you.  We're the closest thing you have to parents and you'll always have us if you need us."

"We are here for you when you're in college if you need anything, and you're more than welcome to spend holidays here if you really want" Marty continued.  

I knew they meant well, and they had helped me through a giant transition in my life.  But since I never felt Love, I never felt really attached to anyone.  Everyone usually had a purpose for being in my life, but that purpose usually ended and our time together was over.  I wasn't bitter about it, it was just something that I knew I always had to deal with.

That next day was my graduation.  I ended up graduating with honors and towards the top of my class.  Everyone else was sad to be leaving their friends that they had grown up with.  I was used to people leaving, I'd left people each time I switched foster homes.  I knew I was not going to be seeing these people again, and I'd already accepted it.  There was no need to be sad about it, I was too used to saying goodbyes that I was numb to it.

I left that next morning for school at the University of South Carolina on my own.  And as I drove away from the foster house I knew that I would never be back.  If you never Love anyone, it's easier to leave them and not look back.