To Whom It May Concern

Peanuts In The Shell

To Whom It May Concern,

As a child you admire the hero in your life.

Whether that be your mother, father, sibling or grandparents.

Mine was my grandfather.

I called him Pawpaw and I loved him dearly. After my parents split, him and his long time girlfriend, my Grammy, were the few good things that had come from being my father's daughter.

He showed me and my sister so much love. He was creole so he loved to take us crawfishing. We would sit on the porch with pots filled with them, munching away together.

On hot summer days, he would turn on the sprinklers and run through them with me and my sister, chasing us and threatening us with tickles until we were exhausted.

Then we would return to the porch and eat peanuts. Big huge bags of peanuts still in the shells. Me and my sister were really young, I can't even remember how old but I remember it clearly as if it was yesterday.

My Grammy would come on to the porch, a tray full of chocolate covered strawberries in her hands. I loved those strawberries. My sister and I would squeal in glee, basking in their sweet, refreshing goodness.

Then we would all go into the den together, a big day bed and chair in the room facing a large TV. We would all squish next to each other on the day bed, watching cartoons together for hours on end.

We often visited them because, despite my parents having separated, my Grammy was not going to stop seeing us. It would have been a cold day in hell if she were kept from seeing her grandbabies.

One day though, we didn't come visit for a while. No one really said why but things were suddenly different.

When we finally did go back to visit, my mom told me not to mention Pawpaw. That I was there to see Grammy and her daughter Deedee. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I didn't understand what she meant. When we got in the house, Pawpaw was no where to be found. Boxes were littered all over the house.

They were moving.

Grammy told me that she was moving back to her mom's house, my great grandma, though not by blood.

I didn't understand but later I would.

Pawpaw had died.

No one ever told me. No one ever specifically said the words. But you could see it in their faces. The mourning.

I didn't even get to go to the funeral.

Granted I was young and no one really wants to take a child to a funeral, plus it would have meant my mom facing my father's family and that was not happening. But still.. I missed him. He was my grandfather and he was gone.

Later I found out her mom also passed, and that they were taking over the house.

I felt bad for my Grammy. She had lost so much so soon.

We started seeing her less because she was farther away. But my grandfather, my Pawpaw, I still loved him so much.

But recently I found out some horrible things about him.

He had had an affair. When he was in college, he had been with another woman, other than my blood grandmother, my Nana.

He had had an affair. And a daughter had come of it.

Shes just recently been reintroduced to my life specifically, but the daughter had been raised separately from my father's family and away from my Pawpaw.

A week before his death he had attempted to make amends for his wrongs but by then it was too late.

My Pawpaw, my hero, had broken my Nana's heart. He had done something horrible and she had still loved him. Had still married him. Had still had his children.

He turned out to be just like my father. A tale for later telling, I had nothing close to fond fuzzy feelings for the man who had partaken in the making of me.

But my Pawpaw, even now, is teaching me lessons. Showing me that even the ones you love the most, the ones you think could never do anything wrong, can make mistakes.

Ones they spend their entire lives trying to make up for.

Cut them some slack, it does not make it hurt less or make it right, but it let's everyone move on.

We can't waste our lives dwelling in the past, its not worth it.

Maya