Tainted

  

I'm walking down the hallway, my eyes glazed over and my mind in a daze, not able to fathom what was happeing to me.  Things never seem to go the way you expect them to, the higher your expactations, that much more dissapointment you have to endure.  You'd think i'd learnt that lesson by now, after everything i'd been through, but I guess regardless of how old I felt, the truth was, I was still a child, even if any sense of innocense had been ripped away from me a long time ago, i was still a child that lived on that small glimmer of hope deep within my heart, so deep that if I had to be honest...I'd say i had forgotten it even existed.  

I had hoped that once I had spoken the truth out loud, relief would flood through me and I would no longer feel as if I was carrying thew right of the world upon my shoulders,  I would finally feel like the teenager that I was and not the adult that I pretended to be,  my whole life seemed to be a charade, nohing but pretense of happiness, a pretense of being okay...I couldn't have been more wrong.  Things were on the oppostite ends of the spectrum, nowhere near where my naive mind thought they would be.  

For a very long time time, I had walked with my  head down, my eyes looking at the ground, the weight of shame on my shoulders weighing me down, not allowing me to look up and meet the eyes of those  who tormented me everyday At least that shame had been something I could live with, because only I had known the truth, all that they could really do is make their own little stories and tell tales that only existed in their minds and resembled nothing of reality,they couldn't be more wrong...but now...but now my need to tell the truth shadowed me with an even bigger shame, one I may not be able to live with, one I may never be able to live down, they will remember, they will always remember. 

I have no one to blame but myself, I really should have known better. They had always told me that no one would believe me, that they would question me and lable me nothing but a liar.  But that small glimmer of hope had made me think different.  It had made me foolish and given me false and foolish thoughts.  For once in my pathetic life I had spoken up and shared the card life had dealt me, and they didn't believe me.  I don't know where that glimmer of hope in my heart had come from, or why it had made its way to the surface, leaving behind a cold an icy abys, I'm not sure as to why it thought things would be different now,  maybe it was because I had finally began to think that coming forward with the truth now would set me free and give me the reigns to my life.  What stupidity had led me to that conclusion?  questioning myself was no good now, the deed had been done and now all I can do is deal with the unfortunate consequence....It serves me right I guess, it was something that they had always labelled me as, I myself am nothing more than an unfortunate consequence that they also had to deal with.  

I think I'm finally beginning to realise what a nuisance I really am, I had always fought against the idea that I was a nuisance, deep down I had never believed it, but today...Today the only thing I had accomplished is prove that I am a nuisance.  I've descended down the path of hell, for being who I am, a dirty little slag, a nuisance and an unfortunate consequence.  I felt my bottom lip wobble, this flood of emotions breaking me down, shaking my core.  

I took a deep breath and controlled myself...This wasn't the place, this was never the place.  If I dared to shed a tear and show any weakness, they would gather around me, form a gang of alliance.  That's what happened in places like these, it was like living in a jungle, these people were nothing better than predators, just animals targetting the weak to show their strength.  Holding onto their dominance, never showing their prey any mercy.  I knew how it would all begin, it would start with the taunting, a few words that I had heard before on numerous occasions, somedays I could take it, it was nothing I couldn't handle,  I had the tendecy to switch off and ignore them.  They never liked that, the they didn't like the idea that their prey was unphased, and thats when the first punch is always thrown.  I'd go home with a few bruises and maybe a cut here and there, but nothing that I could never heal from.  Pain hadn't phased me for a very long time,  by now it was a daily experience, one that I no longer avoided or cowar from.  Pain was like a second nature to me now, it shouldn't bother me so much anymore...but it did, today it did.  There is only so much pain one person can handle, I think I've finally reached my quota of pain for this life time.  I know I shouldn't complain,  life was a struggle for everyone and for others it was a battle but I guess some people don't really realise that being 13 wasn’t any easier, but being a 13 year old girl in high school was so much harder...but that didn't make me any more special...just another face in the crowd...a face that lied.  My struggle, my battle didn't mean anything.

A pain spiked in my head and it took me back to them...How did I come to believe their lies every single day? Even though I already knew the truth.  They would tell me that I was the ‘lie’, that I wasn’t wanted.  They convinced me that everything that had happened, was in my head, it wasn’t real.  Or did I just convince myself to get away from it all?

The teachers were staring at me today, they knew I was the liar, but...was I?   I was so far gone now that I couldn’t remember.  Surely I would know if I had been lying?  Why would I lie about such a hideous thing?  All the girls stared at me and gave me nasty looks.  They wanted to hurt me; I could see it in their eyes.  They wanted to make themselves feel better.  They hated the way I dressed, the way I talked.  Would they believe me, if I told them?  I guess not, not when my favourite teacher, the one I trusted refused to believe me and wipe my tears.

The fretful day came to an end and I walked home, always on my own as no one really wished to be seen with me, I’d lost so many friends over the years, they were all afraid, afraid of being bullied just by association. With my thoughts taking over, I took a short cut through the park, I couldn’t go home yet, and surely the school must have phoned and told them what had happened.  I couldn’t face any of them, not right now.  I had made my decision.  I sat down against my favourite tree, it was dying, writhing away, deep within the park where it got no light, it’s branches reached out in awkward angles, the trunk slanted as if it was carrying a weight it could not bear.   Leaning against it, I toyed with the idea of calling my boyfriend...but would even he understand? Or would he panic and leave me too. 

Tears slid down my cheek, I couldn’t stop them now.  They didn’t want to stop; this was the only time they could flow freely, without being restricted.  I took out of my pocket, the thing I had been hiding all day, the awkward bulge and presence that had me reaching for my pocket every time I heard a snide comment or got a dirty look.  My mind raced and I thought about everything that had happened to this day, counting all the bad times, the bruises, the fights, the cuts and the black eyes. Nobody knew how I was feeling; nobody knew what I went through everyday just to end with this moment, this loss. 

I put my hand on my stomach because of a sudden ache and whispered goodbye.  This had to end today, I couldn’t take it any longer, I no longer had the strength.  I had tried to scream to them for help, but they had chosen to ignore me, deeming me unimportant, they hadn’t listened to my attempts of confession, I was done playing games.  They would never know what I was feeling at this moment; I would die tainted with the knowledge that I didn’t know who the father of my baby was...

My boyfriend?

My brother?

Or my father?

I put the barrel to my head and pulled the trigger.