Crown-less Kings

I need...

I take a bite of my very large french fry and look around the restaurant. Braden and I are at McDonald's for lunch today, just the two of us. It feels like I haven't talked to him in so long.

It's been a whole month since Kristen tried to tell me Rey wouldn't date me. Since then I've got a lot of confused looks in the hallway as I walk hand in hand with Rey. Nobody - I included- can figure out why someone like him would date someone like me. I've had plenty of people come up to me and ask if I'm really dating him

I hate to say it, but lately, my anxiety has been getting the best of me. I've laid in bed for hours thinking and rethink every little thing. Especially when it comes to Rey and me.

I can't ignore the nagging voice in the back of my head always whispering all these bad things. 'Rey doesn't actually like you'. 'He only wants you for sex like everyone else'. 'You never satisfy him enough'. 'Rey's only with you because he pities you'. 'Rey just wants you to shut up'. 'Rey could do some much better'. 

I wish I could say that I've ignored these thoughts, but every day the slip more in more into my heart until my stomach starts to turn.

"How's Mr. Freddie?" I sip my sweet tea and try to distract myself with other's relationships. I've been doing it with Reagan and Jaiden too.

Braden nods, "Good. Yeah, he's coming down Friday and we're going to hang out."

I wiggle my eyebrows with an evil smile, "Hang out."

Braden rolls his eyes, "Oh my god, shut up. Hang out, yes. You know I'm too scared to do that yet."

I nod and lean back in the booth, "Yeah, I know. But you can do other things than that. I can teach you-"

"Oh god, no! No, please shut up. Please, we're in public!" Braden smacks his hand over his ears like a kid.

I just snicker and keep eating my fries. Truth be told, Rey and I haven't done that either. I've started to notice how Rey and I are never truly alone. Like there is always someone in the house when I'm with him. Or we're in public, with people all around. Every time we could be all alone, he makes an excuse. Every time my heart starts to drop more and more and I doubt myself even more.

"Calm down. Just know if you ever need tips, I've got you. I don't my boy going in blind and embarrassing himself," I shrug like I'm not having an internal crisis.

"Yes, I know. You tend to bring it a lot. So stop. Let's talk about something else than my sex life. Have you turned in most of your college applications?"

I groan and throw my head back, "Shut up! I'll I've ever hear is college this, college that. I've driven myself crazy at this point writing college essays. I don't know why I should get accepted in! Because I need to get away from my crazy family? Because I asked to be accepted? I don't know!"

It was true. Most of the time, I wasn't working or doing homework, I've been writing college application essays. I swear, even after six new schools, I've never answered the question 'what makes you unique' more in my life. Scholarships and essays have overtaken my life. It's another reason I've been distant to Rey.

Every time I think of him as I write, I worry what will happen to us when we go to college. I've never trusted long distance relationships. Rey may want to go to a college halfway across the country from me. We'd never see each other. He'd met people better than me.

"I feel you," Braden laughs, "If I don't get accepted into the college's I wrote ten pages for then I think I'll throw myself in front of a bus."

"That's a mood!" I laugh.