This Is Not A Love Story

Chapter Four The High Life

     So fame may seem as though it's nothing but pure shit, but the one thing about it that makes it all better is that my overflowing bank accounts can buy us some of the best grass out there.  Zayn always supplies us with the purest shit, apparently he knows a guy who grows it here in the States. 

     Zayn rolled us each a fat joint. We sat on the floor of the small seat area of the bus. The odor almost immediately filled the room as we each took our first hit.  I coughed as the smoke hit my throat hard. Zayn laughed and took another hit. Within what felt like two minutes, we had smoked our entire roll and were beyond stoned. This was the most relaxed I had ever been in months.

     Zayn and I were silent for a while, until he turned his head towards me with a crooked smile and asked me a dumb question.

    "Harry, why haven't you found yourself a nice girl?" 

     Shaking my head, I laughed at the idiotic question and shrugged. "You already know the damned answer, mate."

     Zayn laughed at me and then shook his head as well. "You've gave me reasons before, but they all seem pathetic. I want a real answer." 

     I turned my head to Zayn. "Why do you always get so deep when you're high mate?"

     Zayn shook his head. "Don't go trying to change the subject Harry."

     I sighed and shrugged. "I just don't have the time or patience for it. It's too hard for me to maintain a stable relationship when I'm busy with work." 

     "Bullshit," Zayn spat, "I want to hear the cold hard truth Styles. I don't want to hear you blaming fame or touring. I want you to spill your heart out to me. Tell me what the fuck has your heart locked up." 

    I was hesitant for a moment. If my brain was functioning normally, I would have kept my big mouth shut. However, under these circumstances, my tongue was unfiltered and I let the truth spill. "I'm fucking terrified Zayn. I fucking perform for a living, and it's slowly becoming who I am. It's draining me. And even though I try to hide it when I'm in the spotlight, I do get mad, I do get hurt, and I think, and I laugh too. This used to feel so good and now it just, it feels like it's shit and I regret my life every morning when I awake." I wasn't even answering his question. At this point I was literally spilling my heart and soul out to a baked Zayn Malik. "I feel like I always have to keep my guard up. I don't know who to trust or who wants to be with me for who I am or if they just want to use me for their own sick shot at the limelight. I don't want to risk giving my heart to anybody because I know it's just going to be played, and I cannot handle anymore pain or stress at this moment." I shook my head. "You happy? I said it all." 

     Zayn said nothing for the first few seconds as I looked at him. He finally drawled. "Damn Harry. You're fucked up." He began to laugh. 

      So, as I said before, I have never been able to bond any kind of relationship with any of these four boys for this exact reason. They don't really care. You see. I have come to the realization years ago that I can't rely on anybody's help any longer. As of now it's just me, myself, and I. That doesn't bother me much. Like everything else, I've gotten used to it.