Apartment "Eh?": An American's Adventures In Canada

The Motherland

My advice to the American youth: get knocked up by a Canadian. And then raise that baby, and a glass of champagne, here in Canada because this country's maternity leave is the Veuve Cliquot of parental benefits (or maybe the pet nat of benefits for all my natural wine aficionados because this type of leave should be all natural).

Why is Canada so much better than the US you might ask? A generous US parental leave gives you all of 3-6 unpaid weeks time off! Without job security! With side eye from your boss! What more could you ask for?

How about a full year to 18 months of paid leave? How about a system that automatically deposits your biweekly checks into your bank account? How about a guarantee that you'll still have a job to come back to? How about calling it parental leave and encouraging partners to split the time? How about a culture where women aren't shamed into not taking the full year? How about daily free programming at libraries (hi Drag Queen Storytime) and free indoor playgrounds and cool hipster hotels doing classical music recitals and brunch for babies, all of which encourages you to socialize so you don't lose your mind? (Sorry babies, you're kind of boring). How about a culture where you let women choose their prenatal care between midwives and doctors and encourage pre and postnatal women to address concerns early by having their insurance cover pelvic floor specialists and mental health therapists?

I knew Canada had it good (thx Michael Moore), but damn, son. Or in my case, a daughter.

It's not all perfect (hi, daycare shortage). And god knows they're not perfect either (hello learning how to breastfeed and feeling like the metal tube a gerbil drinks from). But home visits from my midwives on days 3, 5, and 12 taught me how to make a flat pancake of my boob and stuff it into my baby's open mouth like a champ. And they told me I was doing great, words you're so desperate for in the beginning from anyone who seems like a professional. When I had my baby, friends asked if I felt like a mom and I replied "no, I feel like an intern." But at least the internship training in Canada is extensive!

My American parent compatriots are treated like second class citizens. In Canada, parents are treated like beautiful Scandinavian models, falling gorgeously backwards into a social safety net as designed by IKEA. Canada is the Scandinavian parenting dreamland of North America. I got no wayward glances for breastfeeding in public, and god knows I whipped them out like it was my job. Which it kind of was. Mom friends and I never got reprimanded for drinking a glass of wine at 2 in the afternoon while babies slept next to us, or even when we ordered a second round.

I had trouble getting pregnant in the first place, having to wait 7 months to get a positive test result. We had just started to visit a fertility clinic (where our initial visits were also covered) and like magic, after that visit I got pregnant. Then I miscarried at 7 weeks while we were on vacation in Vancouver. At the time it was heartbreaking, but I'm so grateful that my ER visit was free and that the doctor treated me with kindness and reiterated how common it is and how so many go on to have healthy pregnancies, which I did. For others struggling to conceive, Canada will pay for one round of IVF. It's a long list to get on, but I've never heard of a government ponying up the $20k or so it costs and I have a mom friend who got off the list and has a beautiful baby boy.

Oh and did I mention that all prescriptions for children under 18 are free? This is what compassionate governance looks like and I'm tempted to become my own baby factory to reap all the rewards.

Canada is the quiet sister to the trendier countries remaking parenthood. France has Raising Bébé. Does Canada need Raising Babe-eh?

I used to joke that my million dollar idea was matchmaking Canadians who want American visas with Americans who badly need health care. I've pivoted. Now I'll just traffic in Canadian surrogacy.

Welcome to the real motherland.