Chubby Not Fat

Chapter 4: Loose Skin

            Loose skin. Definition-its when you get chubby and your skin expands to hold in extra adipose tissue. Afterwards sadly the skin stretches out and when you lose weight it looks really saggy. It's sad that my skin will never really be the same as before. But that's one of the consequences of gaining weight. My father once told me fat is like a silent killer, you don't notice it until it's too late. "Mija...you're getting too big. It's becoming a problem, you need to go on a diet," said my mom. Diet...how many times have I tried that and it just never seems to work. "Ma no please." I pleaded. But things never did change. Now I had bullies at school and at home.

          My mother would constantly call me names and judged me. What do I do? She's my mother, the women that is suppost to help me through my toughest times and she was the one calling me a pig.  I felt disgusted with myself, I started locking myself in my room. "Mija...look at that pretty face. Now if you lost a little weight you would look much better," said my mother. She would never complement me unless it made me feel bad afterwards. She said it was to make me better...to help me want to lose weight but it only made things worse. What do you do when the women that is suppost to protect, and love you goes against you and makes you feel like trash. 

          I stopped eating with my parents...since every time my mother would just comment on how much I was eating. "Hey are you okay?" asked Rose. I sighed and looked at her. "Yeah just stuff going on at home...nothing I can't handle," I said trying to reassure her. She looked at me and smiled and my heart warmed. "Don't listen to your mom. You're perfect just the way you are," said Rose. I smiled at her but on the inside my demon whispered in my ear,"You know...she's just saying that to be nice, she doesn't mean it. How could she think your stretch marks are pretty or your huge legs," I breathed trying to keep from crying and trying to focus on Rose.

        "I think I'm gonna head home early I don't feel so good," I said with my head down. "Are you sure?" asked Rose with a concerned look on her face. "Yeah," I smiled," I just have some things to do...I'll see you tomorrow," And she believed me...heck I did such a good job at lying about how I truly felt that I almost believed myself. I went straight to my room and cried myself to sleep. I didn't want to get up...I wanted to stay here...safe where no one can find me and call me ugly,fat,pig,...I just want to be happy again. I want to go in a dress and feel pretty and not get a nasty look when I sit down next to someone on the bus. I want to be normal. What is normal anymore...why do I hate myself so much? "It's because you aren't pretty, you aren't skinny, you aren't funny, you're just an annoying little brat," said my demon.

          But I try...I try to smile...I try to live. I try to be happy to love myself but the words just repeat in my head reminding me...tormenting me. I try to look pretty to where people at school just laugh at my efforts...I can't blame anyone but me. There's people that suffer more than me so why do I bitch about this? I hate myself for being selfish...I don't deserve to grieve. My parents were poor and didn't have food and I cry for someone calling me names? I'm just spoiled...I deserve to be treated like this. I....I...just want to die.