I'm Broken but I'm fine

Part 10

LOUIS POV

I wake up in my bed, someone must have carried me up here, I panic when I realise they could have seen the bandage on my arm, I could easily pass it off though, as my skating injury. This is getting so emotionally draining being here and hiding my secrets. Having Harry hate me I suppose is easier, it allows me to remember why I'm worthless and not to forget my place. Sometimes I think about cutting a little too deep and not waking up, how easy the darkness would be. I could never do that to my mums though, although I know they would be better off without me, it's getting easier to entertain the idea of suicide. It's clear Harry and I will never be close again, I have no friends, I would call Noah a friend but I'm going back home in a few months and he will go back to his normal life and forget about me. So will Harry and the boys. My wrist is so sore but I want to feel the pain, I want my thoughts to stop, I need to stop thinking of Harry and how heartbroken I am. I get up out of bed and go to the bathroom. I close the door and take a few deep breaths. I kneel down In front of my cupboard and reach in to grab my box. It's then that my heart stops and I realise my box is gone.

I panic my breaths coming out irregular, I check and double check. It's really gone, it's not there. Where the fuck is it?? Why is it not there. I didn't move it, maybe the boys have a cleaner and they moved it. Fuck,shit fuck. I can't breathe. What if the boys found it. Oh my god I'm going to be sick, if they found my razors they will hate me, think I'm a freak. I'll be sent to one of those suicide clinics. My mums will find out. Harry will yell at me. The worst part is though, I'll be made to stop. I can't deal with this. I need to know where my box is, if the boys have it. Before I can control myself I'm rushing out of the room and down the stairs. I can hear the television on but it's silent otherwise. When I make my way into the lounge room I see five sets of eyes on me, it causes me to stop in my tracks half a meter from them. Then my world comes crashing down around me, there's on the coffee table sitting so innocently is my box,my secret box. I can't handle this, I can't breathe, maybe they haven't opened it.

"Where did you get that?" I ask shakily.

I grab my wrists and start scratching at them, my breathing is completely irregular I feel like I'm underwater.

"Your room buddy.....we know Lou" Zayn says calmly.

I can't take my eyes off the box.

"It's mine you can't.....why were you in my room.....you can't go in my room.....I want it back, give it back to me please" I say rushed, trying to breathe.

"Calm down Lou, everything is going to be alright" Harry tells me.

I look at him In the eyes, tears threatening to slip down my face, I start shaking my head at him as I try to catch my breath.

"No, no, no, no, no....please no, no, no, this can't be happening......give it back please no, no, no" I panic.

"Louis, I need you to breathe buddy" Andy says to me.

He is crouched down in front of me, I bring my gaze from my box to Andy, he tries to calm me down by touching my arms but I flinch out of his grip I back away from them all. I can't be here I'm such an idiot for letting this happen. Oh god this means so much and I'm emotionally not ready to handle it. I look at the boys faces,they are kind and I see nothing but love but I don't want to be here. I eye the door and I'm about 2 meters away, if I sprint I can make it, I look back to the boys and then suddenly make a run for the front door, Harry is quicker though, like he was expecting me to run and grabs me around the waist, I struggle to no end to get out of his grip.

"Get off me, put me down. I hate you.....I hate you Harry, let me go" I scream.

"Shhhhhh, Lou it's okay sweetheart just calm down" he whispers in my ear.