Sorry this took FOREVER to update. I've been incredibly distracted with exams and counselling etc. Now that I have a ton of time on my hands, I can start updating *dances*. Unfortunately, there isn't much to write in this chapter so I'm starting on the next one immediately after posting this one.
Dedicated to blackazaleas for reminding me that I do actually have readers xD
Christmas came and went quickly. I met up with friends and family, trying, like mum, to act normal. Act like I hadn't discovered something so significant about myself. I put a smile on my face but all the while my mind never strayed far from my conversations with my mum and the feeling of great relief I had gotten when I finally put a name on what I was feeling inside. Soon enough, we were landing back in Sri Lanka. Back to the heat and chaos where there isn't much time or energy to think about anything. I was glad of that fact. The days started to melt together. I had my birthday and eventually, the tension between my mum and I ceased. I spent my nights watching Youtube videos created by transguys (guys trapped in a girl's body) and knew that this was who I was. I kept it a secret though, making sure all my search history was deleted. The secrecy was painful though. I often contemplated ending it all, writing endless suicide notes and ripping them up when they didn't turn out right. They apologised for being abnormal. It was a dark time for me but my mum had no idea. My frustrations often burst out in anger. My mum's husband Steve was a regular trigger for my outbursts. In my eyes he was arrogant, obnoxious, ignorant and a vicious drunk. My mum ended up sleeping in my room a couple of times when she couldn't take any more of his moods. He often left for weeks at a time leaving me and my mum to take care of his hotel. My anger was slowly becoming out of control and if went into one of my rages, it would last for hours. I would lock myself in my room and refuse to come out. As my mood deteriorated, as did my mum's. This had a knock on affect on Steve and made some days unbearable. Of course there were good moments and memories - getting my scuba diving license for example. We went to see a live World Cup cricket game for my birthday (cricket is the national sport of Sri Lanka). Canada vs Sri Lanka - it was immediately obvious who would win that match. These moments let me forget my gender issues, even for a little while. I was often seen as a boy by the locals anyway so I didn't notice my discomfort that much when I was busy.
We came back to England in July and I was here to stay. I had been speaking to friends back home for a while and had arranged to stay at a girl's house at the end of July of who I had a bit of a crush on. We flirted playfully over Facebook and this was the same when we met up. Trust me, I'm cringing at this bit. I kissed her that night and suddenly gender wasn't important. I was just a normal thirteen year old having my admittedly first kiss. However, everything came rushing back the next day when she begged me not to tell anyone what had happened - she didn't want anyone to think she was a lesbian. That hurt, I won't lie. She went out with some guy and we didn't talk for the rest of the summer. It was painful for me because I had told her I was thinking I might be transgender and had confided some very personal stuff. Suddenly, I hadn't just lost a girl I really liked, but also my best friend. I couldn't spend too much time wallowing in my own pity however because it was time to start thinking about school.
I had visited quite a few schools previously in July. I had been accepted into all and had loved the boarding school near Bath. However, the uniform was a huge issue for me. I know it seems petty but I couldn't stand the fact I had to wear a skirt. It actually made me feel sick to my stomach. I tried to think of other reasons i didn't want to go so my family wouldn't suspect but my mum knew exactly why I was turning down my place and she wasn't happy. If I wasn't going to boarding school, I'd have to live with my dad so we checked out the schools in his area. The first was an all girls school. I went to one in Year 7 so although I wasn't entirely comfortable, I could cope with that. However, the school itself didn't suit me. The girls were all a bit too posh and a bit too drippy. They were boring people who I knew I wouldn't get on with. My mum, thankfully, agreed in full. The next school was a grammar school which I regret not choosing now. But, again, I would be required to wear a skirt although only for PE. I feared that I would refuse to attend PE which was and still is my favourite subject. That would destroy me. Again, it seems petty but it was a really big issue for me. The last school (the one I ended up attending to) seemed pretty good. It was a comprehensive and there were 1600 students. This was a shock for me as my old school had the best part of 800 across all years. But the facilities were good and although it would mean catching a bus for an hour then a twenty minute walk, I liked it and chose it as my school. The girls uniform was different to the boys which irritated me slightly but it didn't bother me as much once I had started. I was starting to look forward to enrolling.
A/N: I never did find out the sexuality of the girl I kissed. I'm friends with her again now but it's never really come up. And it doesn't really matter. If there's anything I've learned, it's that nothing like that really matters. A person's a person.
