The Devil Within

Chapter 12

I did not tell them about Damien's brief appearance last night. 

Austin looked at me hesitantly, like he wanted to say something, but decided not to. My guess is that the alarm he mentioned had been set off when I left my room. I'm not sure if he'll tell me where he'd installed it. Or if I even want to know. 

I went on and finished my assignments like any other day. Compared to the dull throbs in my head, the tasks were pretty mundane. And painfully so. Nothing could distract me from repeatedly thinking about my condition and my abilities. Dad and Austin were giving me space and time to adjust. Still, it was really hard trying not to go out there and demand a solution to my problems. Because, if Dad or Austin had a cure to my issues, then they wouldn't need to hide it from me for so long. 

I sighed loudly again and ran my fingers through my hair. Then I stopped midway and looked at my hand. Then I stared at the penholder before me and focused on it. Like, really focused on it. 

Other than the breeze through the window make the papers on my desk flutter, nothing else moved. I imagined the penholder moving to the right and waited. Nothing happened. 

Feeling like an idiot, I grabbed my pen and resumed my writing, but another dumb idea struck. With my free hand, I grabbed the picture frame which contained our family photo that was taken before mum's.....murder. Then I closed my eyes and thought about it. 

Show me the past. 

My lids twitched impatiently but nothing happened again. 

Okay, fine. The only thing that really worked was.....

"Damien," I said aloud. 

...... No heartbeat quickening. No tight feeling in my chest. 

"What?"

I jolted up of my seat and scrambled backwards. But it was only Austin peering from the door to my bedroom. He walked in uninvited. "What were you doing?" 

"Nothing," I replied. 

"Don't give me that shit, I ain't buying it," Austin said with a wary tone. 

"Fine, I was trying to see if my abilities work as well as my craziness," I admitted. "Turns out I'm only disabled, not superpowered." 

"For fuck's sake...." Austin said angrily. "Stop calling yourself disabled." I heard the restraint in his voice. His anger was rising. Was it because of what I attempted? Or was it because I'm nothing more than a troublemaker who needed someone to clean up the mess I made? 

"I'm only speaking the truth, something I obviously can't handle too well given my condition." 

My mouth goes blabbering away on it's own. It sounded partly like self-hatred and self-pity, and partly an anger I couldn't control over the downward spiral that my life has become. It was childish and immature. And it was so unlike myself. 

"I caused all this trouble for you and Dad, all these mental bullshit, I'm really grateful you guys haven't decided to chuck me out."

At this point in time, I have lost all my logic and reasoning  and I was simply spilling out what I was really feeling inside. It seemed that yesterday's conversation had finally settled in my head, and waking up in the middle of the night on the balcony confirmed that I indeed, am suffering from a disorder and lapses in my memory. 

And there was this feeling of repulsion I couldn't shake off. It wasn't only something I felt towards myself. The question of whether Dad and Austin would also look at me with contempt also chewed me up all night.