Fall (On Hold)

Dignity

Most people, I suppose would’ve been afraid. But then again, I wasn’t like most people. Coincidentally I’ve never been particularly afraid of heights, after all what is there to fear apart from oblivion? And even that I would’ve welcomed.

There was absolutely no reason for me to fear falling, if I did fall. Let’s be honest, who would really care? Sure, sure there would probably be some dramatic newspaper headlines about a 19 year old falling to her death but it would soon be forgotten in the whirl of celebrity weddings and famous boy bands. I had no one who would’ve cared what happened to me, and that was fine by me. Not even I myself cared whether I lived or died, there was after all, absolutely no reason for me to be on this earth. I was a terrible person, a killer. Someone who was indifferent to the world around me, my heart was as black as my hair and not much could’ve convinced me otherwise. I was good at hiding it, that’s for sure, people never did seem to see me as I saw myself. Most people saw only a troubled teen with a haunted past but I knew better.

“Mackenzie, what are you doing? Get down from there.” I heard my name being called from below, it wasn’t the first time I’d been standing on the edge of a building but this time my aim hadn’t been death, rather it had been to see how far I could push myself, see how far I could go before my instincts reacted and told me to "Stop” but of course even my instincts knew that I was better off dead than alive. My cold black eyes flickered downwards to look at the person who’d called. A boy, my neighbour to be more exact. He’d been a nuisance since I’d moved in, constantly getting into my business with absolutely no regard for privacy or personal space. Living in an apartment did have its drawbacks and one of them was living next door to this nut-head. Heaving a great sigh I slowly clambered of the ledge and stomped my way back down the fire escape. “I thought I told you to stop doing that,” my neighbour yelled, “Gives me a fucking heart attack every time.” I rolled my eyes up towards the grey sky, Lord knows why he of all people cared. “And every time you know that it won’t be the last.” I drawled, we had this conversation at least once a week if not more often. The idiot couldn’t seem to get it through his thick skull that I wasn’t going to jump of our building anytime soon, I’d decided long ago that jumping to my death would be an extremely undignified way to go, and the only thing I was determined not to lose was my dignity. Even in death you need to have some standards. His response was that of disappointment, “Mackenzie, I really think you should go see the thera-“ I cut him off, we were only going round in circles after all, every second day he’d tell me to go see a therapist, something which I point blank refused to do. I refused to have some random person poking through my head, analysing my past and trying to tell me why I was so fucked up in the head. I already knew why, it’s not as though it was some giant mystery to me, I knew for sure why I felt the way I did but talking about it was definitely the last thing I wanted to do. I’d lost my trust in people very early on and I refused to go back on the one thing I brought with me from my old life, apart from the memories of course, those simply couldn’t be removed but the one thing I knew to be true was that all people will leave you one way or another, involuntarily or voluntarily they will all disappear sooner or later.