Hopeless? ~ Third Part of Loverboy.

Chapter 8. ~ Nathan.

—For how long are you gonna be like this? —Jay asked. 

I raised my head from the table where I was supporting it and took a sip of my drink. —Until I have an answer. 

—Well, I think you won't find an answer in the bottom of the bottle. 

—I can try to. —I answered. 

—C'mon Nath —Jay started again—, you have been like this for almost 5 days. 

—And I will spend 5 more years if necessary. 

There was a sudden silence in the room. 

The days had passed and I was still stuck in the same place. The pain was subtly stifled by the drink, but nothing concrete. I hadn't done anything. I should've been in the studio recording, but I didn't reach farther than the bathroom, and I assumed that would go away within days, but the fact is that now I was not so sure. I just needed a reason, an answer. That was all I asked for. 

What had I done? 

—Nano wants to see us all. You should come, if you don't want to lose your job as well. 

I shot Jay a look and took another drink. I stopped reluctantly and tried to ignore the discomfort and severe stomachache I had. Jay left the room and I followed. Then we walked to where everyone was. I avoided their eyes and pretended nothing happened. 

After Nano talked about some things from work—things I didn't hear—they started talking about me. 

—Nathan mate, you should... —Siva said— consider shaving. 

—And combing your hair. —Tom added. 

—And take a bath. —Max concluded. 

I breathed deeply. —I will when I want, thanks. 

Again, silence. 

—You know, it is no big deal. —Someone began. 

—That's true,—Tom said—, she's not that important. 

—She's not that important? —I smashed the glass on the table that was next to the furniture of the room and stood up—. SHE'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT? —I repeated myself—. So tell me, why do I feel this way? Why do I feel as if my life was over? If she weren't that important, I would have slept with all the women who passed by my side since she left me, if that was what I wanted. I've been calling her like there's no tomorrow, and I have left her so many messages that now her voice mail is full, and I ca't leave new ones, you know what I mean? And yet, here I am, wondering, seeking for the slightest clue to know what the fuck did I do wrong, what had happened to us. So no, I think it she's that important to me, so much. 

Max put his arm between Tom and I, avoiding a bigger conflict. I threw myself on the couch again, hiding my face in my hands. 

—Sorry, I... —I heard Tom saying—. I wouldn't know what to do if Kelsey left me, too. 

I said nothing. All I could see when I closed my eyes was her face, all I could smell is her aroma and all I could feel is her skin. I hated feeling that way, so dependent and reliant. It felt so damn absurd and wrong. And it sounded so helpless, that suddenly I had become this kind of cheesy person who couldn't help but to love someone to death.

I guess there are some loves that you can't survive. 

—Today is her birthday... —I whispered in the verge of breaking down again. 

—Oh, man... —I felt Jay putting his hand on my back. 

—It's fine —I raised my head again—. I just need to be alone. —I finished and left the room to go straight to mine. 

Without thinking it twice, I grabbed my phone and dialed her number, though I knew it was pointless. I counted the tones until her mailbox jumped again: the only way I had to listen to her voice again.  

"Hi! You're calling Ashley Underwood. Unfortunately, I can't talk right now, so please leave a message and I'll try to call you later."

I waited a few more moments until the robotic voice of the operator told me that her voicemail was full, so that I couldn't leave new messages. But this time, it was different. I listened to the beep after her speech, and after that, nothing else. 

She had listened to my messages. Or at least she had deleted them. 

But she knew. 

I could not help feeling a twinge of joy in knowing that.

—Hi, I, ehhh... —I hesitated. I was speechless—. I'm just calling to wish you a happy birthday.—I breathed—. You don't how much I want to be with you at this time and celebrate together, but I guess life takes unexpected turns. —I closed my eyes—.So, I will not make this long because the message will be cut. I love you. I still don't understand. But I love you. 

I hung up the call and I stared at the ring on my finger for a while, the date of the day of her birth engraved on it. I stood up and poured some more whiskey in my glass.