Finding The True Self

The Creator's Lounge (8/15/17)

Why do I bother...

I'm legitimately asking this: Why the hell am I bothering?!

After my most recent breakdown involving writer's block- and grammar being the bane of my goddamn existence, I tried to sleep it off to just go on with the school week. Three in and I'm already starting to crack... Pathetic, right? Heh..typical.

I'll be glad when the internal hell known as high school is all but a faded memory. Forget the eclipse next week, since the school board has to keep us in to work. A once in a lifetime event and it's on a fucking Monday. Gosh, the world must really hate me, huh? Not to mention my struggling with finding a senior project mentor and juggling all the other ambitions. Thanks to all the work, I'm barely finding the drive to keep going or even bother pulling out the keyboard.

I bet this is what the principal meant by 'Senioritis': all this pressure getting to the point where you can barely think. They always say it gets better, but can it truly? I don't even know, for fuck's sake!

Am I bipolar? Is that why I rapidly go from cheery to pissed off in a matter of minutes all because I can't type up a goddamn sentence from my head.

Whatever, maybe sleeping it off will work...

~~*~~

Why. Is. This. HAPPENING?!

I toss and turn for what feels like the fiftieth time. Ever since the new school year started, I've been trying- and failing miserably, to reset my sleep schedule. The stress certainly doesn't help in the matter, and online stuff didn't help much either. Turns out that old milk before bed thing could be false. I don't drink it warm because lazy. Shoot me, I don't care.

Rolling over to the side and pulling up my phone, I look at the time... Thirty till midnight- of course. I'm lucky to wake up somewhere around six or thirty after. Worst case scenario: I wake up at seven and go into a rush getting ready for the bus. What happened to me? Usually, I'm able to wake up two hours early, but now I'm all out of whack.

Why~?!

Maybe I can try hypnosis again. I only ever did it in the weeks leading up to the first day to clear the stress away. Not many of them worked, unfortunately, but they did leave me feeling weird. While I'm listening to the voice, my body feels like it's weightless- nothing under it. Sometimes, one of my eyes waters without me even feeling sad. I guess it's a side effect or something.

I tried doing it myself the other day to try and fall asleep. The results were interesting, to say the least. All I can remember is someone saying 'Welcome to The Creator's Lounge.'

Meh, it's better than sitting in bed all night burning my eyes out with my phone screen. Getting comfortable, I closed my eyes and calmed my breathing. I can hear my heart banging in my ears like a bell, fluctuating from high frequency to low before settling on the latter. With that, I repeated the same phrase I heard in nearly every hypnosis video...

Starting at your legs, let all the stress exit your body.

It's easy for me. All I really do is just relax the muscles and let my body sink into the bed. The hard part about it is relaxing my head when I have all these jumbling thoughts. There just isn't a way around it, I just...zone out after a while. I have no control, it just happens on its own. Soon enough, it happened again.

I found myself on a staircase, much like before. Nothing lit the way other than the door at the bottom. I kept my gaze on the ground as I descended, not wanting to do anything but relax. I'm not sure what's behind the door, but I know it's a cheerful place. I just feel it....