Finding The True Self

My Importance (6/18/22)

I made it...I really made it.

    It started off well, the first few courses giving me an idea of what I could do. More than once, it got overwhelming and tough. Assignments pushing me outside my comfort zone, long research papers that were sometimes good, and things that made me think hard. Thinking comes easy to me, but I sometimes do it too much and miss the details that lead to a solution.

There's also the matter of a two-year pandemic that made us go online, but whatever...

The room was a little tighter than the gym was years back. It was darker, too, bright lights shining onto the stage where the important people were— well, the official people, I guess. I felt the same as I did back then: sweating my balls off out of nerves while sitting with the others. Mom and the others were in one of the rows, though I didn't see them. Although, it's also being livestreamed, so pretty much everyone in the family is going to be watching. Oh, joy...

    I was excited, of course, knowing I had reached the end of a long trek. While we were getting ready, the officiant had said that this was the end of a long journey. For most of us, it was four years, though it was a bit longer for others because of the pandemic messing things up. I could resonate with that, seeing as things got bad over the last two years. I could handle working from home— hell, sometimes I preferred it!

Then we had to move...and then we ended up with K and her boys. It got hectic— and suffocating, at times.

But none of that matters now. I'm here. I made it.

The first group already started to go on-stage, it won't be long now. Do I deserve to feel happy? Even though it's good now, it won't change how things usually are. One good thing in the sea of annoyances and stress that's been my life for the past few months. Will I snap again? Will I end up yelling and breaking down? What about if I get a job?! What about—

No!, I shook my head. This is my day, and it's about me. I deserve it...

But do I really?

~~*~~

The ceremony went about as well as I expected: a lot of sweating on my part, some smiles and cheers on their part (especially Mom's). The only unexpected thing was the drum line at the end— the kids were pretty good, and even got an encore. After we got out, we went out to eat— with me wearing the sash (Mom's idea). It wasn't as embarrassing as I imagined, but I did get a few congratulations. We did a bit of shopping on the way back, but nothing much happened there.

By the time we got back, it was a little into the afternoon. We had to wake up around 7 AM for me to make it for a quick walkthrough— thank goodness they had breakfast for the students. Once I got into the smooth comfort of a mattress with my blanket and phone, I smiled to myself. There were still a few things I had to do, but that didn't matter now.

I did it. I was done.

    It was long, hard— and at times hopeless, but I managed as always. Sometimes I think that I'm just lucky, somehow scraping by and moving forward when it seemed like I couldn't do it. Everyone seems to think that I'm able to do it because I can, but I always end up asking the same question at times. Whenever I hit a slump, got stumped, or completely lost myself, I always end up asking it:

Can I really do this?

As my eyes drifted shut, I pondered on it. Four years ago, I wasn't sure where I was going. It wasn't long after high school graduation, and college was on the horizon. Sure, I explored a little but it was nothing concrete. As it went on, I started to deviate into different paths. A few of them were familiar, others were new. It got tough— criticism, motivation, workload, and where I'd go once I reached the end. All that time, I kept falling into the same traps I make for myself...

And yet here I am. As always.

I can trace it back to high school, maybe even before that. There were always these...phases where I freak out and struggle. More than a few times, I end up thinking I'm hopeless and that I'll fail. I pull through, though, in whatever lucky-cosmic-bullshitty way it happens. After a while, it turned into a pattern of me talking myself out of the struggle. A few comforting words one time, an invisible hug another— always when I'm alone.

No one else sees it...but the pattern isn't exclusive to me.

    With the others— when it was just Mom, my brother and me, I can't recall a time without the pattern. All I know is that it happens with us, too. We could be uncertain of whether we'll stay in a place, low on rent, maybe not able to get around— but we get through. I never said anything to Mom about it, and she seems to chalk it up to us getting through it. I don't blame her, or anyone who may think that. Maybe it's true, and they're right to believe that...

But all it amounts for me is a mystery.

    I often wondered why it happened this way. We could be losing everything and miraculously recover and be all smiles about it! Each time it happened, I'd question it more and more until it made my head spin. Is it really just luck and chance? Why is it that I somehow find my way out?!

What's so unique about me?!

That's the worst one of all. The question that keeps me up at night and binds me to hell and back.

    I'm not a genius, nor do I claim to be. When I was younger, I may have been fed a bit too much in the ego department, but I mellowed out of that. Compared to the other students, I'm pretty much an ant to them! Their projects were amazing, so much effort and vision put in while I straggled behind. In my family, I'm seen as the best of us. They don't say it, but I'm not blind to how much praise I get for getting this far.

    Then I begin to question if I deserve it. There's always the question of if I fail, if I fumble and fall right off. What'll I do then? Will I have a backup? Will I go into a depression? Will I end up burning myself out from all the stress? They come and go like seasons, constantly buzzing in my head like flies around a rotten fruit. I always questioned myself— why I matter so much to them, why I should be happy when it feels like I'm just barely making it.

I should do more than that. I want to do more.

The real question is whether I can keep myself sane enough to do it.

~~*~~

A.N: So, yeah...big news: I graduated last week! Had a whole thing about it, went out to eat, felt totally self-conscious, and felt like making a chapter on it. I originally wanted an Xavier chapter, but it turned into more of a vent-type.

Finally being done with college came with a lot of reflection for me— especially over the past few months. Believe me, I couldn't get a thing done in terms of writing, and still can't at the moment. Although, that's just because of the overall point I'm at there and how I need to write it.

TLDR: I'm a college grad now...and I'm not really any closer to regaining my sanity. I'll try, though.