Last Hope

Chapter 2: Déjà Vu

"I will wait for you, she said, endlessly. I will wait for you, so spoke, misery."

Adriana

~Sereval months later~

Sometimes I lay emotionless and wonder. Would it be better if I had died in the crash? Hadn't survived? Switched places with my sister? I lay for hours considering the outcomes. I always come back to the same blank answer. Yes.

Everything would be better if I wasn't breathing, this very moment, this very second. It would just be better. At least for me.

No more mourning, no more 'I wonder', no more anything. Just a blank, peaceful, place stretching forever. A reality I so desperately want to own.

At times I want to go there. Many times. But I can't. I promised Destiny I would try and stay strong, after that time she caught me. Caught me trying to find the endless, emotionless beyond. She cried for ages, even yelling at me. I just sat there, staring at the distance with an unreadable face, while she tried to get a reaction out of me. Anything out of me, telling her I wasn't dead inside. But I was.

Something did spark inside me while she was screaming and crying though. Not hope, but maybe affection. I felt like somebody cared, a feeling I haven't felt in a while. And maybe sometimes I yearn for it, but I don't know. I don't know how to separate feelings anymore. It's like I've forgotten what feelings are. No matter how messed up that is, but I am grateful for her. Destiny's helped me through a lot. But it doesn't change the fact that everything would be better if I was dead. I wouldn't be a burden any longer. She could finally move on with her life, her friends, her dreams, her family. My final gift of appreciation.

I finally got up and dressed for school. Not that I cared. My grades have plummeted. I just can't find it in myself to concentrate. Always dreaming of the sharp, shiny blade, carefully placed under my mattress, waiting for me at home.

Destiny's managed somehow to put up with me this whole time. Even when I lost myself. I'm not the same bubbly person I used to be. I can't talk to her about boys, school, gossip or anything. Those things are irrelevant and silly now. But she doesn't seem to mind. I just wish I was her. She's the strongest person I've ever met. Nothing fazes her. She acts normal around me like nothing ever happened, and I am beyond grateful she isn't trying to get me to talk about the incident. I will never get over how much I take her for granted. All she gets from me are few word answers, and a girl who lays emotionless on bed listening to music that seems to block everything in the universe from connecting to her.

I walked outside where Destiny was waiting for me in the car. A small smile formed on her lips. It was genuine, but lifeless. Look at all the stress l've caused her, I think. I hop in the car and try to return the affection. But I can't, and what sad attempt that is the outcome, doesn't fool her

We don't talk. It's not awkward though, I just prefer it this way. She drives, I sit and wait for the horrible destination to come; always ranting in my head on how terrible I am to Destiny and everybody else. It's always this way.

But this morning is different, because just as we turn on the intersection, leading to the road to school, Destiny lets out an ear-piercing screech. One l've never heard from her. And just as I turn my head, I see something l've seen before. It's exactly the same as last time. Two bright headlights are coming our way. The impact is still the same. The event is all too familiar. Everything is the same; and history comes to haunt me.

But this time I think, I hope they take me.

"I can't go on, l'll go on."