Leviticus 20:13

Someone Who Will Stay

The door was closed and even though the small window John could see that the lights weren't on. Maybe they were trying to keep it so that she could fall asleep whenever she pleased or maybe she was suffering from some sort of light induced pain, either way John didn't mind. He would sit in the pitch black, he would sit on spikes, he would swim through a vat of lava just to see his daughter for what might ultimately be his last visit! The doctor opened the door quietly, pushing it open and standing aside for John to enter first. Maybe he was going to be understanding and let the two talk alone, however John didn't expect quite that much humanity out of a man in a lab coat. John walked silently into the room, seeing someone lying in the bed but not recognizing her as his daughter until a moment later. She looked pale and gaunt, more like a poorly crafted duplicate of Rosie made from lumpy white wax. Her head was covered in a flower print bandana and her arms were attached to all sorts of tubes and wires. She was wearing a breathing tube to assist her lungs and a heart monitor beeped obediently above her, as if they had hooked that up purely for the sake of knowing when it was going to stop beeping. John was struck with unmeasurable pain, and suddenly he wasn't sure if he could do this or not. He didn't want to say goodbye, there were so many things to say, there were so many stories to be shared, and goodbye was just one word, one costly and ultimately depressing word. It didn't seem fair to have to say goodbye to Rosie and leave without the reassurance that she would be waiting there for him when he returned.
"Rosie?" John whispered, walking up to her bedside and pulling over a chair like he always did. Rosie's eyes forced their way open; however she seemed to have trouble even moving her head to look at him. Instead her eyes simply strained to take a look, and her cracked lips slowly formed into something of a smile. She looked like she was in agonizing pain, yet of course she was too strong to admit it. John could learn something from that girl, he could learn a lot of things, she was suffering physical pain and was still able to put a smile on her face and John was only struggling with mental pain, yet it seemed like his life was going to end any day now too.
"Hi daddy." Rosie managed in a very harsh voice. John smiled sadly, dropping his gaze for a moment, trying to recollect himself and think about what he was going to say. What could he say, what did Rosie need to hear?
"How are you feeling?" John wondered stupidly, and Rosie's smile faded just a little bit. John shook his head quickly, sitting on the edge of his seat and taking one of his daughter's thin hands in his own.
"No, don't answer that sweetie, don't answer that." John corrected quickly. Rosie nodded weakly, trying to sit up and wincing in pain, making John's heart shutter nervously.
"The doctors are worried, I can tell. They won't tell me what's happening but...but I know." Rosie muttered weakly, coughing a little bit before taking long, deep breaths with the help of her oxygen machine.
"You don't have to worry dear, I'm here. I'll stay as long as you need me to stay." John assured, quickly making promises he knew he couldn't keep.
"They won't let you. They're mean that way." Rosie reminded him, and John couldn't help but smile in agreement.
"Yes Rosie I suppose they are." John agreed forcefully. Rosie nodded, her little head shaking minimally before she let it fall back onto the comfort of her pillow.
"Is this goodbye?" she wondered nervously, her little eyes glazing over with sadness while John tried to think of something to say. Obviously he couldn't bring her spirits down however he didn't know if there was anything else to say. Yes this was goodbye, and yet if he admitted to it now surely Rosie would get the impression that they would never see each other again. Of course they would be together, in Heaven, and yet John didn't want to have to wait that long, he didn't want Rosie waiting for him either. Who would be up there to greet her? Her grandparents maybe, and yet they hardly ever knew her and she surely wouldn't recognize them. Maybe Mary was dead, and yet that beast of a woman surely wouldn't have gained entrance into Heaven. Might Rosie have to be all alone up in the clouds, almost as alone as her father back on Earth?
"I don't know." John admitted. There was silence, and yet he could already tell that Rosie was much more accustomed to this already, as if she had been planning on how to say goodbye to her father since she was first admitted to this hospital. And yet he didn't want to, he didn't know what to say, how on earth was he supposed to say farewell to his daughter for the final time? How was he supposed to tell her how much he loved her in the mere ten minutes the doctors allowed him?
"Daddy I think it is. I think...I might die soon." Rosie whispered in whatever voice she could manage. John felt a tear slide out of his eye, a sneaky little drop of emotion that he certainly did not permit to escape so he simply wiped it off before anyone would notice, as if crying in this situation was somehow degrading.
"I'm uh...Rosie I don't know what to say. I don't want this to be goodbye because I don't know how to say goodbye, I don't know what you want to hear." John managed, looking at his daughter mournfully and yet he couldn't see anything other than the state she had been degraded to now. He couldn't remember his daughter as a child; he couldn't remember her as an infant. He couldn't even remember how she looked with her blonde hair falling along her face. All John could see now was the death that was going to follow, he looked at his daughter and he saw a name engraved in marble!
"You don't have to say anything daddy, I know what you'll say. I know that you love me and I know...I know that you're sorry and that you'll miss me a lot." Rosie admitted. John couldn't laugh; he couldn't even bring himself to smile. Suddenly his lips felt so heavy that he couldn't help but let them droop into a frown, suddenly he felt a sob trying to escape his throat and yet he didn't let it go anywhere, he wouldn't let it pass. He couldn't open his mouth in case that mournful cry escaped his lips.
"I love you so much." John managed in something of a whisper, blinking the tears out of his eyes before hastily wiping them away. He noticed that Rosie was crying too, and yet she was still smiling. Her tears were rolling down her sunken in cheeks and yet she looked as if she was the happiest she had ever been.
"I know daddy, that's why you're here, isn't it?" she agreed with a smile. Of course John knew she was referring to her absent mother, and yet he didn't want to bring that up now. He didn't want to remember that Mary was missing her daughter's last day on earth while she was most likely kicking back on some beach with a sixty year old millionaire on her arm.
"Yes that's why I'm here." John agreed.
"Then I'm happy. I'm not afraid to die." Rosie admitted, sounding much too strong for a girl her age. If John were on the verge of death he'd be shaking in fear, he wouldn't be brave enough to face the grim reaper; he wouldn't be strong enough to even fight through the pain of death. He didn't want to know what was on the other side, and it seemed as though everyone who did know wasn't going to tell anytime soon.
"You're braver than I ever could be Rosie." John whispered with a smile.
"I won't be alone up there daddy, I'll be with God, and with the angels." Rosie assured with a smile.
"Yes you will be honey; you'll be an angel yourself." John assured forcefully. Rosie began to move her hand and yet she began to pull on the IV a bit too much, and so John shot out a hand to still hers.
"What do you need?" John wondered protectively, not wanting Rosie to use any energy that she might be able to save.
"My rosary, the one Father Holmes gave me." Rosie muttered. John nodded, seeing that there was a beaded necklace hanging around her neck and tucked under the folds of her white blanket. John pulled the rosary out of the mess of fabric and let it sit on top of the blankets proudly, the charm glistening in the light that was able to shine through the gaps in the curtains.
"It's a very beautiful rosary." John agreed with a smile. Rosie nodded, however she looked dissatisfied with merely observing the rosary.
"I think he might want it back." She muttered, and yet John shook his head feverishly, trying to reassure her that Sherlock wanted her to keep it until she didn't need it anymore.
"No, no he said that you keep it." John assured her quickly, patting her hand gently while the rosary waited for someone to claim it.
"He told me that I could keep it until I got better, and that's not going to happen. Daddy can't you please take it for him? Can you tell him thank you?" Rosie whispered pleadingly, looking at John with all the seriousness a five year old could muster. John took a deep breath and yet he finally nodded in agreement, working the rosary off of his poor daughter's neck with some difficulty. When it was finally sitting in the palm of his hand he felt as though it was something of a memorabilia, not only of Rosie but of Sherlock and his own mother, his mother who had suffered the same fate that Rosie was suffering now. Something about this rosary stung of sadness, and yet as it sat in John's palm he felt nothing except satisfaction, of peace. Only the most worthy humans on this earth had worn this necklace, one of which was dead and the other who would be dead shortly. And Sherlock, of course, the man who had been here not only for Rosie but for John as well.
"I'll tell him." John agreed in a small voice. Rosie nodded, and yet she took a deep breath, as though there was more to be said on the topic of Sherlock Holmes.
"Don't be alone Daddy." Rosie muttered after a moment's silence. John looked up in surprise, holding Rosie's hand with one hand and holding the rosary in the other.
"What do you mean by that?" John wondered softly. Rosie coughed for a moment, and yet before John could find a glass of water she had already stilled.
"I mean after I...well I don't want you to be sad. Not long at least. Don't hide from other people daddy; there are good people out there. When I'm gone I don't want you to think you're alone in the world." Rosie muttered sadly. John simply blinked, not expecting this type of lecture from his five year old daughter.
"I'm not going to be alone." John assured gently.
"Are you going to find Mommy?" Rosie wondered, although she didn't sound all that fond of the idea. As if she thought Mary's reappearance would only make matters worse. John ducked his head in shame, however all he could do was shake his head and hum unfortunately.
"I'll find someone else." John assured. "Someone who will stay with me."
"And what about Father Holmes?" Rosie wondered in a small voice. John looked up at her quickly, not quite sure what she meant by that.
"What about him?" John asked curiously. Rosie suddenly looked a bit in the spotlight, as if she didn't expect her father to be so taken aback by this.
"He'll stay with you." Rosie muttered quietly. John smiled weakly before dropping his smile all together; Rosie knew that he couldn't bring any sort of amusement to his face so why should he even bother?
"He's a priest Rosie, they don't fall in love." John whispered almost mournfully.
"But you do." Rosie reminded him. John closed his eyes for a moment, clenching at the rosary in his fist and shaking his head, not knowing what to say or what to do. He didn't know if the doctor's reappearance was a good thing or a bad thing, however as soon as he opened his mouth to respond the door opened and he was suddenly beckoned out of the room. John got to his feet reluctantly, feeling more tears slide from his cheeks as he looked down on his daughter for what might turn out to be the last time.
"Be good Rosie. Be safe." John whispered, holding his hand to his mouth to prevent himself from breaking down into sobs.
"I will Daddy, always." Rosie assured in a small little voice, her once bright eyes gleaming only with the tears that were pooling below. John kissed her on the forehead, holding her little hand firmly while he tried to contain her tears.
"I love you Rosie, more than anything." John whispered, looking down upon his daughter and feeling a sob working its way up his throat again.
"I love you too daddy." Rosie agreed with a small smile.
"Mr. Watson?" the doctor muttered from the door, obviously not wanting to interrupt the farewell but also not polite enough to stay away. John took a deep breath, nodding once more at his daughter before letting her hand fall softly to the bed beside her, letting one last tear fall before he allowed his legs to carry him from the room and back into the obnoxiously white hallway.