Love, Simon

500 Words of Honesty

Dear World, 

Hi. I've learned a lot about you in past year and a half. A new friend of mine has taught me everything I need to know about the World. For instance, it's okay to be part of the LGBT+ community. It's okay to question your sexuality. I did, and I learned something. I'm bisexual. Turns out I'm not the perfect little Christian girl everyone thinks I am. Of course, I can't tell anyone except my closest friends. I'd probably be disowned or sent to one of those places where they church you until you're straight again. I don't want that. I can't change who I am, but I can keep it a secret. I wish I was perfect. I wish I wasn't bi. But since being perfect is impossible? I wish I was at least okay.

Someone asks if you're okay? Lie. "I'm great." Remember, you're too professional to have emotions. They never thought you'd be a liar. Honesty. My mother says it's one of my best traits. Though I've probably lied to her more than a million times. Once, she was telling me about a girl who came out to her parents that she had been raped five years before, and she came out and asked me if I'd tell her if that happened to me. A knot formed in my stomach as memories flooded my brain. Stay cool. I told myself. "Of course." *She gives nod of approval*. *I sigh*. Lying. It's the easiest thing to do. It may not be the right thing, but it's the easiest. And with all I'm dealing with right now, it's the only thing I can do.

And World? I don't want anyone to know that I'm hurting inside, that I wasn't strong enough to stop them or stop depression from setting in. I don't want to admit that I need help. That being alone for me is a death wish for the worst things to pop into my mind. I especially don't want "RAPE" written on my forehead in a thick permanent marker, because that's what I'd feel like. I'm already depressed, I don't need the intense stress of everyone knowing my worst and deepest secret. My mother would feel like the worst parent ever because I hadn't already told her. She'd feel so rejected, and our relationship is already crumbling. I don't need it to get worse. I can't let it get worse.

So I have to keep my secrets to myself. Yeah, I was raped, but I can't tell anyone. I'm bisexual, but no one knows. I don't even want to be Christian anymore. But if anyone knew that, my life would be ruined. Even my friends are so used to me being a hardcore Christian they call me Mother Teresa. Not because I'm Catholic, but because they think I'm that devoted. I can't be honest about any of these things to anyone. So, I'm taking a leap of faith by telling you. The World.

Love,

@lizethrivera123