Letters From The Dead

Chapter 11

“Hey, Deidre,” I breathed, pressing my forehead against the marble headstone, and taking deep breaths. “Sorry I ran off on you like that last time I was here. I was just caught off guard.”

I laughed there, knowing that Deidre probably already knew just how mortified I’d been to show someone else my heart, even if for just a few seconds. I kept doing it too. I was breaking, and I had no way to stop it.

“Eric and I had our biggest fight ever today,” I continued softly, the slight breeze carrying my voice away.  “I backed down first—and you know how often I do that—and it hurt. I know he was hurting and angry, but I am too and I just don’t know what to do. I need someone, but it could be weeks before Eric forgives me for the massive amount of shit I’ve flung at his life.”

I laughed again, the noise cold and not at all happy. I could feel that pain in the back of my throat, the lump that made it hurt to swallow that usually came before crying. It was a constant now.

Pressing my lips against the cold marble briefly, I continued, my voice even softer than before. “And then there’s Tyler—you remember him, yeah?—who is always there when I’m having my vulnerable seconds and if I’m not careful I’ll end up being hopelessly in love with him like I was when we were younger.”

My breath hitched and I felt my lips curl up in one of my more common bittersweet smiles. “And you know me, falling for everyone far too easily. I was—well, not fine beforehand, but you know. I got through it with few battle scars, but I don’t know this time around. I don’t think I can do it again. I didn’t get to read your email, but I hope it’s something that tells me what to do. I need someone to sit me down and tell me exactly what to do. I’ve always been like that and you’re the only one who seemed to know.”

I choked there, realizing that I’d started using past tense and wondering exactly when that had happened. The lump was back in my throat and it was becoming harder to breathe and my eyes were stinging but even now I didn’t cry.

“Just—just tell me what to do, Deidre,” I gasped, one hand clutching at my throat as I tried to breathe properly. The hysterics were back and I was caught between massive sobs and dry heaving and there wasn’t enough air coming to me to talk.

I brought my head forward hard against the black marble hard, smiling vaguely at the black spots in my vision as my throat cleared up for half a second and I was able to pull in more air. I swallowed painfully a few times and pulled in deep breaths once more, blinking rapidly and trying to compose myself.

“I won’t be able to figure it out on my own,” I finished quietly, letting my hand drop from my neck back onto the slush that covered the ground. The snow was melting and spring would set in and I wondered how I’d feel if grass started popping up out of Deidre’s recently-dug dirt.

I stayed there for a long time, my forehead pressing hard into the marble before I finally sucked in one last breath and rose unsteadily to my feet. I frowned at the wet patches on my pants but shrugged it off, yanking my sweatshirt off from around my waist and clutching it to my chest once more, trying to take steady breaths as I looked at that black marble one last time before turning away and heading home.

*

Hey, Halley,

I know what you’re thinking, that you’re going to pick a fight with Eric because you’re frustrated with everything going on, but I genuinely don’t think that’s the best idea.

If you do, just know that no matter how angry he is right this second, he’ll get over it eventually. It might take a while, but Eric won’t not forgive you. If he and you aren’t talking right now, don’t just stay alone and wait for him. Find someone else to talk to—even that light small-talk that you hate. I know what you do to yourself when you’re alone, and I want you to refrain from doing it. Don’t vacuum either.

Dig out an old movie that you like, close your eyes and pick someone on your Facebook friends list and say hi—no matter who they are,  get a job, talk to a teacher. I don’t care what you do, just don’t sit and stare at the walls and torture yourself with your overactive mind.

I’ll be in touch, Hal.

Love,

Deidre

I didn’t know what to do with myself after my homework was done. Dinner was finished, Eric went offline as soon as I logged in, and I already vacuumed my room about four times. I left my laptop open to my Facebook on my desk and moved across my crowded bedroom to a box in the back of my closet and dragged it out, dislodging loads of things I didn’t use anymore and quite a bit of dust.

Throwing open the box, I stared at my old movies, Disney, Harry Potter, familiar rom-coms, the occasional horror film. I’d packed them up and stuffed them away when we moved houses two years ago, saying that I was done watching the same movies over and over again. They were all my favorites, but I’d been in some sort of ‘new beginning’ mood.

I wondered exactly what I should watch before settling on something easy and light that wouldn’t leave me thinking for hours. The Breakfast Club was a movie that I’d originally been hesitant to watch, but after I saw it once, it had taken a lot of effort from Deidre to get me to watch anything else.

Plus, every time I watched it, I had a secret hope that Claire and John Bender would get together together even though I knew they wouldn’t.

I slipped it into my laptop CD player and curled up on the uncomfortable desk chair, pulling the movie to full screen so I wouldn’t be distracted by Facebook notifications. Plugging in my earbuds so that I could drown out the rest of the world, I settled my phone down next to my computer and watched as the previews played through before the movie began.