worтнleѕѕ.

Part four

Part four

I can still remember the day it all started, the first time they verbally attacked me. It wasn't as bad then, it was only really lame insults that they thought would hurt my feelings. It didn't, it was just really annoying at first. I didn't like the attention though, I never like attention. I'd rather blend in and not be noticed, I'd rather be invisible, like a ghost or something, unknown and unbothered.

I wish it was that easy. I wish that I could be whatever I wanted to be, really. I wish people weren't such assholes. I wish that people didn't enjoy making others feel like total shit. Why can't we all just be happy? Happy sounds nice right? Well, it does to me. Depression sucks. It gets so bad sometimes. I don't even know how to decribe it. When it gets that way I just want to lock myself in my room, sit in the corner and cry until I'm unable to do so anymore. Then, when my tears have completely run out, I search for my razor, or anything sharp, really. One of the only friends I have tends to take my razors. It gets on my nerves but I know he means well and that he's just trying to keep me from hurting myself.

I sit alone at lunch. My friend, Declan, the one who takes my razors, sits with someone else, no one wants to sit with the worthless freak girl. I usually just put my head down, write, draw, or read at lunch. Sure it's lonely, but when am I ever not lonely? Almost never, that's when. But you get used to it. It takes a while, but after realizing that no one gives a flying fuck about you it gets a little easier. I just wish they'd leave me alone, for good, instead of coming and going, or only being there occasionally. I wish everyone would leave me alone, my "friends", the populars, my family. Everyone. I just want to be left alone. Do they not get that? It's not hard to understand. Just simply leave me alone. Leave me to rot, to suffer, to finally die, and hopefully I'll die soon.

I just want to get it over with. Life needs to end, well, my life needs to end. Life sucks and it screws you over, so many times.

Life hates me. The world hates me. Almost everyone I know hates me too. Almost. There are a few people that don't hate me, my family too, the just don't necessarily like me all that much. I wish I still had my bestfriend to talk to, but I don't. It's been almost a year since it happened, I couldn't talk her out of it. Shows how much my friendship is valued. Honestly, I would've given her my life but I still couldn't talk her out of it. I blame myself for what happened. I'm a terrible person to he friends with. I'm just glad I was the last person to talk to her, at least she said goodbye. There wasn't really much I could've done to stop her, her being so far away and all. She called me, on FaceTime, before she did it. I was forced to watch it, I couldn't just leave her. I was trying to convince her not to do it the best I could. I was crying so hard, it was horrible. She was like a sister to me, she still is, even though she's not here. She was the one person who actually gave a shit about me. She actually cared. She cares so much it made up for all the assholes who couldn't care less. Nothing I could do would've stopped her though. She was forced to move with her dad, stepmother, and younger sister three years ago. I live in Florida, she used to too, but they moves to Arizona, that's on the other side of the damn country. We were still bestfriends when she left, we didn't get to talk much though, only once a week. It was hard because we were so used to being together everyday, Ariel and I were inseparable. Almost literally. The summer that she left we were together every single day. Either I was at her house or she was at mine. My parents loved her. More than they loved me, really. She was perfect. Ariel was 5'8", had dirty blond hair, was tan but not too tan to the point where it looked fake, skinny, and extremely nice to people who she didn't hate. She didn't have many friends either, just Declan, Claire and I. She was fine with that though. So were Claire and I. Declan, on the other hand, had plenty of friends. I miss her. More than I ever imagined was possible.