To Live an Die in my mind

The ogre, the ale and the really loose broad

In the village of Strudeldorf in the country of Pucklefin, there lived a vicious ogre named Jim; yea Jim just because he's an ogre you thought he should have a weird ass name right. Well guess what that's racist. So Jim was a mighty ogre who lived high up in the mountains in the village, now you see Jim had a problem living so high up in the mountains; no food but goats and birds, and those mothers was course. However there was this one old man and his wife who lived at the foot of the mountain. Now Jim new the old woman could make the best ale in all of Pucklefin and that ale would be just right for washing down those gravely ass goats, ok before I go on let me tell you a bit about eating birds and goats alive it isn't no piece of cake; first you got the feathers or the fur, then the hooves or the talons, and they kick; oh do them bitches kick, but I digress. So Jim decided to pay the couple a visit and get him some ale.

So he went one day about lunch time; so he would disturb them during work hours. Thought ogres weren't understanding and courteous; I blame Shrek. So he knocks on the door and politely asks the man "Can I have a pint of your ale and I'm a bit low on cash; me being an ogre and all," the old man screamed and shut the door; you know why, cause he's a racist. Now Jim was mad plus he was thirsty so you know he was a tad bit delirious, Jim rushes the house grabs the old woman and take her home with him. When Jim calmed down, and had a goat or two, he thoroughly apologized for his actions and even offered an explanation. The old woman moved by his tale of sorrow agreed to stay, plus she said her husband stopped fulfilling her 'needs' a while ago.

So after Jim and the old bird had gotten acquainted they settled down, didn't think ogres could give sweet loving did you? That's not racist it's stereotypical. However all was not well, the old man had become furious his wife had left him and hired a knight from the neighboring village. Now before you start the knight wore a business suit; no gosh darn armor. So the knight climbed the high mountain; because he was too ignorant to use the stairs, and banged on Jim's door. Now Jim being a very peaceable fellow told the knight to shove off before he lost his size 19 on the inside of his rectum. This gravely upset the knight who charged in all head strong and got his ass handed to him, thoroughly. Now the knight beaten and disfigured went to the old man and kicked his ass for sending him up there and told the old man to get over it. So the old woman was never again bothered by the troublesome old man and every night for the next fifty year the old man could hear the moans of his wife being ploughed, some say you could still hear it.